God in Motherhood

I have learned so many lessons from being a mother. Even in pregnancy, God was teaching me about Himself and how He wants to know me and how He wants me to know Him. Just like in nearly everything in life, He is reflected in the things He has created!

I've been getting to keep my beautiful great-niece these past few weeks and again, He reminds me. Today I was feeding her and as I got her bottle ready she searched my bare arm for the latch she desired. Her eyes closed, her sweet little mouth moved back and forth looking, seeking. And I remembered nursing my own babies. The way their little mouths searched. The way they acted like they'd not eaten in days at every feeding. And I remembered the deep joy and satisfaction of giving them what they sought. They'd look up at me with such love and gratitude. This is the way of His love. He even says in Isaiah 49 "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you." He sees our desire for Him. He watches us search, longing, looking for the only thing that will satisfy us. And His heart overflows with love when He fills us with His Spirit and His grace.

We, however, have to have a need before He can fill it. But we go around like we don't need Him. Or we get it from other sources. Like, for my sweet great-niece, I gave her a bottle of her mother's milk when she was hungry. This was satisfying to her, she was filled. It was nutritious. But it wasn't the source. That little meal held her over until she could get what she needed from the source, her mother. We get truth from other sources, pastors, pod casts, songs and even friends and family. They share God's truth with us and we're filled and we can grow. But how much more beautiful and satisfying is receiving truth straight from our Source. We so often use our daily times (which may or may not happen daily) with Jesus as what "gets us through" until we can get back to church or until our favorite speaker posts his/her next pod cast. How backward is that? Would a nursing baby prefer a bottle from a stranger rather than her mother? He takes such joy in giving us the things we need! Just as the mother gets joy from giving her baby what she needs and how she jealously guards her time with her baby, He is overjoyed to supply us what we need and He is jealous of our time and attention. Oh the sweetness of His love for us. Let Him wash it over you!

Waves

Just today I posted to our Leadership Team at the BSM some things God had been showing me these past few days about stepping out in faith. I realized, as I've continued to mull over it, that these aren't just words for a team of college students looking to make an impact on their campus and world, but for all of us who are fighting this good fight... not against people but against the darkness that wreaks havoc on Believers and Not-Yet-Believers alike. We all need encouragement right now, especially in the face of current domestic and international events. Here's my heart right now.

It all started with me reading Philippians 1:27-28 that says "..stand firm in one Spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you." There were actual people opposing these early Christians as they proclaimed the gospel, but Paul had another meaning there as well. This is clear from what he writes in Ephesians 6:12 that "our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and the spiritual forces of evil in heavenly realms." Paul understood who the real enemy was. We often don't, however, know our real enemy. The real enemies aren't people. People can only do so much. The real enemy is so much more dangerous. He knows your weaknesses... he knows what makes you freak out. The real enemy knows what can make you sink.

Peter was in a boat once on a rough sea. Jesus, like a ghost, came out to meet them walking across the water. Peter, knowing ahead of time that the waves were high and the wind was fierce, called out to Jesus... "If it's really you, call me out onto the water."  Jesus calls him out... out of the safe boat. That safe boat that, while Peter was in it, he was brave and bold, but when he left it's safety and sturdiness, the waves became real. He saw that Jesus wasn't going to calm the sea this time, but He was going to allow Peter to be in the waves and wind just as they were. And he got distracted. He became afraid. He began to sink. Familiar story probably, but so real, so relateable. Peter, like us oftentimes, was passionate and ready to go wherever Jesus called. But, also like us, he was afraid. We have no reason to fear, though! That is what Jesus is telling us through Peter's story and through Paul's words. We actually don't have to be brave, we don't have to be strong. "For it is God who works in you to will and to act." Philippians 2:13 and "perfect love drives out fear." 1 John 4:18. See? God is calling you out. He wants, not needs, but wants to have you be a part of His big story. He has beautiful things for you. But with every calling, there are the waves. Satan seizes upon these moments of trial and suffering, these waves, and lies to us. He says that we can't do it, that it's too hard. Or he says that we've heard God wrong. His best lie is that the trial is his own creation and must be prayed away. So often we stop pursuing God and start pursuing comfort and ease. Because why would God call us then let the waves come? Because He's the Master of the waves. If He can still them, He can cause you to walk through them in peace and without fear. There is tremendous closeness to Him and a testimony to the darkness when a Believer endures great hardship and continues to seek God's face. And the absolute best part is that He gives us the strength. We don't have to be brave or bold, just faithful. Just ready. And we have to choose love over fear. We don't have to come up with the love that drives out fear, He gives it. But we have to let fear be driven away... we can't hang onto it. So, friend, let go of fear. Breathe in His power and get ready for the waves. When they come keep a steady eye on the Horizon.

Moved by compassion

It's amazing how Jesus can bring something back to me, even something I've heard or learned before, and it hits me afresh. This happened last night, and really, it's still happening.

We are trying to read more scripture with our kids. So we've been reading through Mark on the nights we eat dinner all together. Last night we were in Mark 1 and here is what we read:

"A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, “If you are willing, you can make me clean.”

Jesus was filled with compassion. He reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!”  Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed." Mark 1:40-41

You should know that I'm kind of a crier, especially when it comes to our kids. So reading this to them, imagining the Word of God soaking into their little hearts and brains already made me tear but a bit. But then, as we discussed it, my wonderful husband pointed out something that I've heard before, but it came to me new. He singled out this portion of that story: "He reached out his hand and touched the man."
You probably know that leprosy in those days was a big deal. Lepers were considered unclean and there was no cure. And their disease was visible by all. No matter where they went the was no hiding what they were. They were the unwanted, the undesirable. Jesus touched this man. He touched him. We talked about how long it had been since that man had had any human touch. I was overwhelmed. And convicted. Because Jesus didn't just touch the man who hadn't been touched in a long time, he touched the infected, unclean man.

Here's the lesson for us. Jesus, moved by deep compassion, was willing to touch the dirty, unclean, diseased leper before he had been cleansed. Jesus' touch didn't just heal this man's disease, but healed his heart as well. We may or may not be able to heal someone's physical wounds, but we can heal heart wounds. But just as Christ touched the man because he was moved by compassion, our reaching has to start in our own hearts. I'm not going to pretend to be Ms. Accpet Everyone As They Are. One of my bigger struggles is with being judgmental and critical. Left to my own devices, which I was once upon a time, I am one of the "us" and there are a whole bunch of "them" who need to get their lives together and stop doing dumb things. But that is not Jesus' heart... and he's slowly changing mine every single day. I want to be moved out of judgement into compassion.

While there are some bigger issues we, as a collective church, have not handled well, I actually don't want to focus on those. Because I'm not interested in changing the collective church. I'm interested in changing me. I'm interested in raising my children to love the broken and hurting and dirty and undesirable. And my charge to everyone else is this: there are lines you draw and you need to stop. There are people in your mind that are "unreachable." You may not admit it consciously, but if you really look deep into how you react to certain people, you know that there are people out there who, if they approached you, you'd recoil in disgust. Stop. And this is different for everyone... depending on your upbringing or geographical location, the "unclean" in your mind will be different from someone else's. Politics can desensitize us to compassion as well. If political issues keep you from loving people, get out of the political mindset. Jesus never tried to change politics. He changed hearts. I want to be open to anyone. Ready to love anyone no matter where they come from or what sort of life they live or belief the ascribe to. And I encourage you to be open as well. Let compassion move you. Jesus, let compassion move me. Amen. 

An answer to the question of modesty.

I have discovered that the issue of modesty with Christian women can be very simply addressed. Are you ready, because I'm pretty sure I've stumbled upon the answer to every question about hemlines, necklines and swimsuits that was ever asked. And here it is:

you are enough

That's it. That's all you need to remember. God wants you. He wants you to reflect Him... and you are enough. You don't need to lose weight. You don't need new clothes. You don't need highlights or "splashlights" (apparently these are replacing the ombre fad. Hey, whatever works, right?). You don't need smokey eyes. You don't need a chunky coral necklace with matching earrings and coordinating bracelets. You can be free... free to just be you. You are beautiful to Him and His desire is for the real you to be seen... because He made you. The real you reflects Him. But there's a price to freedom. You have to let go of the insecurity that makes you desire to be the center of attention. You know it hurts. You know it's not fulfilling. Because even when you look your best, it gnaws in the back of your mind "Was I enough? Am I enough?" Even at your most confident it's there...... "Did they like me? Am I enough?" And it will always be there until you surrender. You have to open up and let Him see it all. Then you have to ask the scariest question of all: "God, show me what you want me to release to You. Whatever it is, whatever it means, I will give you whatever you ask for." But even as He prunes and cuts away the branches in your life that do not bear fruit, He will fill you with His Spirit and the sweetness will soothe the wounds. And then the freedom begins. So, sisters, embrace freedom. Even when the magazine, Pinterest, the movie tries to bring you back to insecurity and comparison, resist the Devil (that's who's behind all the lies), and he will flee. You can be you without fear. Be free! And be you!

note: There's nothing wrong with losing weight, wearing fabulous jewelry and wanting to look nice. But if our dress is rooted in insecurity or a desire to pull attention toward us rather than to the Jesus in us, then there's something there that is binding and will hold us captive rather than free us.

Why I love honeymoons!!

Whew, it's been a while since I've been here. I'm pretty sure I warned my reader that I am a serial non-blogger. The only time I was ever consistent with a blog was *cough* Xanga *cough* which a good friend of mine and I were just talking about the other day....coincidentally. Anyway, those Xanga days were my college days. The not-married-without-kids days. I had *not* a lot to do. Though I thought I had a lot to do, but I just didn't know yet that I didn't actually have a lot to do. :)

So why am I here again? Oh, yeah, honeymoons. So I love honeymoons! I love that people go on honeymoons. I actually ask every couple that I talk to about marriage (which is actually a lot these days) where they are going for their honeymoon and how long they will be gone. I do this because I feel strongly that honeymoons are VITAL to marriage. Ok, well, maybe not, like, deal-breaker vital, but whatever. I like them. Lately my news feed on the Book of Face is flooded with honeymoon pictures! Sugary, exotic, throw-up-a-little-in-your-mouth honeymoon pictures. And, truly, it's awesome. Because couples need honeymoons. Honeymoons give that little space of time, a week or a few days, or two weeks if resources allow, to live in an imaginary world where you are both perfect. Perfectly in love! Everything each of you do is still adorable to each other. Even if you've been with that person long enough for things to *not* be adorable, it's like you revert back to adorable land, wherever that is. You get to be excited and ridiculous and no one can say crap about it. Because you're on your honeymoon, for goodness sake! The world is beautiful! Everyone you tell about your recent marriage gives you gooey eyes and big smiles. They do this for one of two reasons: one) they're single and think the whole marriage/honeymoon thing is super awesome and they can't wait to get into it themselves or two) they know that this is that sweet spot.... and they know what comes next. They know that honeymoons end. That these two doe-eyed love birds are about to enter the real world, and that they actually have no idea what they've just gotten themselves into. Marriage.

One thing my husband always says is that if people spent as much time preparing for the marriage as they do for the wedding more marriages would last. I think that's true. Because marriage is hard. I know, groundbreaking stuff. Truly, though. We don't really talk about how hard marriage is. Or at least, we don't talk about it in a constructive way. There are plenty of people who complain about marriage. And that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the hard that makes you better. The hard that you don't run from or resent, but that you work through and grow from. It really is a beautiful thing. That two people can start out two, and through the process of hurting each other and loving each other and hurting again and loving again, can tear and then build oneness. So that the end product is one. Hurt is a part of every relationship. Even your perfect match is flawed and will hurt you.... sometimes intentionally... mostly unintentionally. And you'll do the same. But it's the humility and love through the pain that heals those hurts, that makes us better to each other.

Before all of that, though, is the honeymoon. And, all joking aside, it's a special thing. Whether it's spent in an exotic location or just in your own new place together, cherish your new love. And get ready for what comes next: great love. Love that's foundation isn't a ring or words said at a ceremony, but love built on kept promises and relinquished rights, layed down for the sake of each other and of Christ. So to any of my newlywed friends that might read this: I love you all and I'm so happy for you! I'm happy for your present and your future! If you listen to your First Love and follow Him down the path of love that gives itself away, your future will be "more than you could ever ask or imagine."

Mary Ella's Birth Story

*sigh* My youngest love turns one today. My hands can't touch her soft skin enough, my lips can't kiss those fat cheeks enough, my ears can't get enough of her laugh. I cannot believe it's already been one year, and the years to come loom over me..... for I know, maybe more than most also in my time of life, how quickly this goes. Ok. Now I get to relive with you, dear blog (and friends) the day my Mary was born!

First of all, you should know, if you didn't already, that Mary was quite unexpected. My husband had had a vasectomy in Dec of 2009. We were done! No more babies (although, secretly inside, I wanted another). Five and a half months went by, and I became accustomed to the idea of only three and was very content. Then..... nausea..... a familiar nausea..... and a positive home test. Baby number four was on the way! That first day was hard, primarily because I felt like a failure (for some insane reason) to my husband who had this painful procedure for "nothing." And then I felt a tinge of selfish frustration about my body.... but Jesus reminded me, as He has before but never so clearly, that my body is not my own I was "bought with a price." But it didn't take long (one encounter with a sweet newborn girl at church that next Sunday) for me to be ecstatic about my chance to have one more beautiful baby! And I never could have guessed how beautiful she'd be.....

So Mary was due Jan 31st. We had hoped for the 28th, because all my others were born on days that were multiples of 7 (Aug 7th, Jan 14th, April 21st)... but the 28th came and past without a baby. However, at 2am on the 29th, I woke up with an intense contraction (VERY reminiscent of Daniel's labor). Went to the bathroom and noticed what seemed to be my water "trickling." I was pretty paranoid about labor starting because my previous labors had each been two hours shorter than the last (6hrs, 4hrs, and the last was 2 hrs!) and I had no idea how quickly this baby would come. So I waited just a bit... tried not to freak out.... drank some water... when I had another contraction, there was no doubt: my water had broken and was trickling.... I was in labor! So I wake Joseph and call my midwife. I thought to myself, as she answered the phone, "she seems really awake for 2:30am!" Well, that's because she was in Nacadoches at another birth! The baby had been delivered there but they needed to stick around just a little longer before they headed our way. Just in case you're wondering, Nacadoches is about an hour and a half from our house. So... needless to say, I was trying to take it easy. All that happened after that was a perfect example of Jesus' complete control over my body! It was amazing....

With my other three labors, once contractions started, there was no stopping them. I could sit, stand, walk, whatever and those babys didn't stop! But this time it was different. When I was sitting down, I had no real contractions. If I got up to go to the bathroom or whatever, they would come on strong. But while I sat in the chair, I would have a light contraction about every 15 minutes. My mom, dad, mother-in-law and sister-in-law were all there. So we chatted and waited. At about 3:00am, the midwife had called and let me know that they had left the other family and were headed our way. So we waited. At around 4am, I decide to get up and start walking around so that we could be progressing when the midwife showed up. And, of course, as I walked around the contractions came. So my midwife, Thalia, and her assistant, Jeri, showed up around 4:30 or so, checked me, I was a 6 1/2 (I think... the details get a little jumbled :) ). So I walked around a little more. Finally, the contractions were getting long and intense, characteristic of those transition contractions. I layed down and began to prepare myself mentally to push. It was about 6am when I started pushing. In 30 minutes I had 3 contractions, each 8-9 minutes apart! I was so confused.... in the past, my contractions during pushing were much closer together. After the first two, I just felt like I wasn't getting enough time to push before the contraction went away. So I just closed my eyes and prayed, "Jesus, You have been in control from step one, day one....  not just of this pregnancy and labor, but from the day of  my own birth. You make this happen." So I just relaxed and breathed. That last contraction came and she was born! 6:30am, 9lbs 6oz, 21 1/2in. The most amazing part was when they lifted her up and faced her toward me, she lifted her head and her eyes met mine. I know she couldn't really see..... but I felt like she could... and I will never forget that moment.

I don't know why Jesus has done these things for me. I do not deserve even an ounce of the sweetness and joy He's brought me through all of my children. I will be grateful for the rest of my life, no matter what this life brings, for the experiences I have had so far.... and I wait in glad expectation for the things to come. I say this knowing, particularly right now, that the days ahead could be difficult beyond my current ability to understand. But, still, I know He is good and I know His purposes are good and far beyond my knowledge. So Praise You, Lord, for today, tomorrow and, even more, the Eternity I look toward..... the conclusion of my love story with You. Amen.

Seize the Day?

So this morning I read an article that talked about how frustrating it can be to be constantly told by older women to "make the most of your time with your kids..... because it goes by so fast." Here's an excerpt:

"Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy everysecond, etc, etc, etc.

I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong." You can find this article here.

This article made me kind of sad. I mean, I get what she's saying..... it's hard to enjoy kiddos when they're driving you mad (which seems to be all the time these days. haha!) But what makes me sad is the lack of Christ. I mean... she may not even be a follower of Christ... but the thing that makes me able to enjoy (almost) every moment... or at least strive to enjoy it..... is that it's not about the kids. This whole thing isn't about parenting....it's about Him. The more I realize that He is interested in every second of my day.... that He loves detail and He wants me to see Him in every detail..... that makes living in the moment (even in the unpleasant ones) a little better... not necessarily easier.... but just better.

One of our big problems is that we are a goal-oriented, results-driven society. And our churches and Christian homes are no exception. We want results we can see. At church it's "how may people came to Sunday School?" or "How many people do you have regularly attending?" And if you don't reach some magic number decided by who knows who, you MUST be doing something wrong. And in our families it's even harder..... because we can judge results right away. I mean... we might be able to get our 2-year-old to eat her broccoli (which is a small victory in it's own way) but we can't ensure at 3 that they're gonna be "good people" (whatever that means) at 21. And so we read books and we try this method and that method..... and at the end of the day we still fear it wasn't enough. What we have to come back to is this Truth: God   is   in   control. Read it again.... over and over. The amazing thing is.... as followers of Christ we have access to Him! We can talk to Him... hear His heart.... know His will. He who knows the Beginning, Middle and End is available to us in the most intimate of relationships (if we're willing to lay ourselves down.)  We have to realize that, as we parent our children, we can seek Him for every thing. When we're already late and the keys are nowhere to be found and the boys are fighting over a car and they fall over the baby and the oldest is complaining about something.....  those are not Godless moments.... He is in the middle. He is calling out. I just have to tap in.... I have to stop looking for the keys, pick up the baby, walk into the other room away from the fighting and complaining and pray "Lord, there is nothing of eternal consequence here.... except for my children." If I don't find  my keys and I don't get to the store or whatever appointment I had, so what. I'm sure we can find something for dinner.... and whoever was depending on  me isn't going to hate me. I can praise Him.... I can be at peace..... I can create peace for my kids (Can you tell I'm writing to myself? Hehe). I'm not perfect at this..... not by a long shot.... but I'm striving every day..... I do want to trust Him..... be free of expectations and just obey Him and only Him.

I feel as if I have already seen a generation of kids grow up. The youngest of my sister's kids will be 17 in a few days. I babysat him when he was 3 months old! I held those babies and rocked them and layed down to nap with them and changed their diapers and made them lunch and dealt with all the insanity of young children (9-5 every weekday one summer!). And so now.... they're grown.... and I have my own babies. And I just want to pause every second. Even the crazy seconds..... and remembering in those crazy seconds that my nieces are of child-bearing age makes me stop and say "this craziness is brought to you by Jesus..... the Author and Perfecter of your faith.... And this is the process of perfecting that faith." I love that song by Francesca Battistelli where she says "This is the stuff/ that drives me crazy/ It may not be what I would choose/ But this is the stuff You use." It sounds simple and almost cliche...... but when you sit down and think about it.... it's profound. He is using every single part of my day to teach me and love me and show me more. Or He's using me for something He's doing... maybe it's not about me (gasp!!!). :)

In the end, I love Jesus and He loves me. He loves my children and He's a better parent than I will ever be. And I can pray, I can trust Him. And when I screw up, He provides grace..... overabundant grace! So, if you're a Mommy of little ones.... or even big ones.... or middle ones..... you are under His love and grace. Take a deep breath and truly seize the moment..... not the moment of parenting..... the moment of Christ. Don't seize the day.....seize the Lord! Grab on and don't let go!