The Big Binge...eek!

So Thanksgiving was this last week...... yeah. Haha. It wasn't actually that bad, as far as food goes. But I had a different kind of binge experience last week that got me thinking....
I had a self-binge day. Actually, it was a self-binge weekend. This is when I pretty much stuff myself with.... well, myself. You see, I am made of two people: flesh and Spirit. My flesh is hopelessly vain and selfish. It feeds off of attention... and makeup... and cute clothes.... and perfectly tousled hair. It feeds off of telling a good joke or making the witty remark that gets the smiles and the laughs. It feeds off of those passing looks of admiration from someone.... anyone. And I had a weekend like that. A weekend where I privately fed my vanity in my thoughts.... admiring myself in the mirror. Not that I consciously think I'm all that.... but I like the way I'm looking these days. And I thought about what others thought about me. What would make me the most pleasing to others? Feed feed feed. It's like stuffing my face with chocolate cake, except I'm stuffing my flesh. Then I had a party to go to. I got to dress up (this is a pretty big deal for a mom of four young children). The kids were entertained for the most part, so I got to do some entertaining myself. I got to make funny remarks, laugh and get attention. I got to smile and glance and flirt.... but not flirting with any one person. No. Flirting with the crowd.... being pleasing and appealing to anyone I could. Feed feed feed. Stuff stuff stuff.
And I felt sick afterward..... Spirit-sick. My flesh was this bloated, puffed up, sin-covered glutton... poisoning my Spirit with selfish, vain, disgusting pride and self-love.

The next day, I couldn't figure out why I felt so blah. I was unmotivated and irritable. I realized it in a quick instant: I was sick. It was very much like how I felt after a few days of eating sweets, fatty foods and unreasonable portions of food. I would feel icky.... in need of a detox. And, see, before I began eating healthy food, I didn't realize I felt icky all the time. Being tired, sluggish and half-nauseous all the time was normal, so I didn't notice it. But once you begin to lose weight and eat food your body was meant to process, when you inevitably binge on foods you don't normally eat, you realize "whoa! This is crappy! How did I eat/feel like this all the time???" This is the same for the heart. When we seek the things of God and chase after the Unseen, we stop feeding on the things that nourish our flesh. Our spirits grow strong and healthy. We are giving, patient, kind.... we feel whole and at peace and connected with Christ and His plan. But when we let ourselves pig out on the "flesh" food again..... we realize how sick our "selves" make us.

Switchfoot has a song with lyrics that I love:
     "I am my own affliction. I am my own disease.
   There ain't no drug that they could sell.
   There ain't no drug to make me well.
There ain't no drug/ there ain't no drug/ there ain't no drug/
no drug to make me well. The sickness is myself."

So so true.
So after my realization that weekend, I began some self-denial. I stopped feeding the flesh. As vain, selfish thoughts tried to tempt my flesh, I spoke out the Truth I know to be true: this    life   is   not   about   me.
There is NOTHING that occurs naturally in me that is good. Christ is my ONLY good. He makes me beautiful, because He is beautiful. The only attractiveness I desire is that others would be attracted to Him because of all of Him that they see in me.

My encouragement to you is to not just strive to fill your body with good things. Also, strive to fill your heart with good things. Stop eating the things that your flesh loves.... it's different for everyone.... and feed your spirit the things that it loves: the Word of God, conversation with Jesus, music, books that point your mind to things Unseen rather than the things of this world. Just as your body thrives in healthy fuel, so your heart will too. :)

A New Name

When I started this blog, I had a really hard time deciding on a name. I'm not really good at that sort of thing :/. But lately I've been thinking about this idea of  "Stepping Heavenward." That's actually the name of a book. It's a book I read several years ago that I really loved. It's the journal of a girl, starting when she's 16, and it follows her through her life; marriage, children, relationships with God, until her death. It was amazing reading about all the things she said and did when she was young.... and all that she learned through many unexpected circumstances.

I feel like so much of my life has been one step at a time. It started at 19 when all I had planned and thought would happen changed abruptly. He brought me to a place of uncertainty.... where all I could see was the very next step. And now, almost 10 years later, I am still taking one step at a time. I'm still only seeing today. I'm understanding even more clearly the uncertainty of the next day... even of the next hour. And I'm learning how to love Him in the moment. I'm learning how to live in right now through thankfulness and grace.

This blog is still dedicated to my journey in health and weight loss.... but also to the spiritual lessons I'm learning through this aspect of my life. And, really, the spiritual lessons I'm learning through every aspect of my life. It's becoming clearer and clearer that everything I do and experience is designed on purpose to reveal Him to me.... and me to me.... and what He is doing in me... and what He wants me to do with all that He is showing me. I know there's a lot of "me" in there. But, truly..... it's Him. And I hope that's what I portray. Please, let only Christ be visible in me. Amen.