I have learned so many lessons from being a mother. Even in pregnancy, God was teaching me about Himself and how He wants to know me and how He wants me to know Him. Just like in nearly everything in life, He is reflected in the things He has created!
I've been getting to keep my beautiful great-niece these past few weeks and again, He reminds me. Today I was feeding her and as I got her bottle ready she searched my bare arm for the latch she desired. Her eyes closed, her sweet little mouth moved back and forth looking, seeking. And I remembered nursing my own babies. The way their little mouths searched. The way they acted like they'd not eaten in days at every feeding. And I remembered the deep joy and satisfaction of giving them what they sought. They'd look up at me with such love and gratitude. This is the way of His love. He even says in Isaiah 49 "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you." He sees our desire for Him. He watches us search, longing, looking for the only thing that will satisfy us. And His heart overflows with love when He fills us with His Spirit and His grace.
We, however, have to have a need before He can fill it. But we go around like we don't need Him. Or we get it from other sources. Like, for my sweet great-niece, I gave her a bottle of her mother's milk when she was hungry. This was satisfying to her, she was filled. It was nutritious. But it wasn't the source. That little meal held her over until she could get what she needed from the source, her mother. We get truth from other sources, pastors, pod casts, songs and even friends and family. They share God's truth with us and we're filled and we can grow. But how much more beautiful and satisfying is receiving truth straight from our Source. We so often use our daily times (which may or may not happen daily) with Jesus as what "gets us through" until we can get back to church or until our favorite speaker posts his/her next pod cast. How backward is that? Would a nursing baby prefer a bottle from a stranger rather than her mother? He takes such joy in giving us the things we need! Just as the mother gets joy from giving her baby what she needs and how she jealously guards her time with her baby, He is overjoyed to supply us what we need and He is jealous of our time and attention. Oh the sweetness of His love for us. Let Him wash it over you!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Waves
Just today I posted to our Leadership Team at the BSM some things God had been showing me these past few days about stepping out in faith. I realized, as I've continued to mull over it, that these aren't just words for a team of college students looking to make an impact on their campus and world, but for all of us who are fighting this good fight... not against people but against the darkness that wreaks havoc on Believers and Not-Yet-Believers alike. We all need encouragement right now, especially in the face of current domestic and international events. Here's my heart right now.
It all started with me reading Philippians 1:27-28 that says "..stand firm in one Spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you." There were actual people opposing these early Christians as they proclaimed the gospel, but Paul had another meaning there as well. This is clear from what he writes in Ephesians 6:12 that "our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and the spiritual forces of evil in heavenly realms." Paul understood who the real enemy was. We often don't, however, know our real enemy. The real enemies aren't people. People can only do so much. The real enemy is so much more dangerous. He knows your weaknesses... he knows what makes you freak out. The real enemy knows what can make you sink.
Peter was in a boat once on a rough sea. Jesus, like a ghost, came out to meet them walking across the water. Peter, knowing ahead of time that the waves were high and the wind was fierce, called out to Jesus... "If it's really you, call me out onto the water." Jesus calls him out... out of the safe boat. That safe boat that, while Peter was in it, he was brave and bold, but when he left it's safety and sturdiness, the waves became real. He saw that Jesus wasn't going to calm the sea this time, but He was going to allow Peter to be in the waves and wind just as they were. And he got distracted. He became afraid. He began to sink. Familiar story probably, but so real, so relateable. Peter, like us oftentimes, was passionate and ready to go wherever Jesus called. But, also like us, he was afraid. We have no reason to fear, though! That is what Jesus is telling us through Peter's story and through Paul's words. We actually don't have to be brave, we don't have to be strong. "For it is God who works in you to will and to act." Philippians 2:13 and "perfect love drives out fear." 1 John 4:18. See? God is calling you out. He wants, not needs, but wants to have you be a part of His big story. He has beautiful things for you. But with every calling, there are the waves. Satan seizes upon these moments of trial and suffering, these waves, and lies to us. He says that we can't do it, that it's too hard. Or he says that we've heard God wrong. His best lie is that the trial is his own creation and must be prayed away. So often we stop pursuing God and start pursuing comfort and ease. Because why would God call us then let the waves come? Because He's the Master of the waves. If He can still them, He can cause you to walk through them in peace and without fear. There is tremendous closeness to Him and a testimony to the darkness when a Believer endures great hardship and continues to seek God's face. And the absolute best part is that He gives us the strength. We don't have to be brave or bold, just faithful. Just ready. And we have to choose love over fear. We don't have to come up with the love that drives out fear, He gives it. But we have to let fear be driven away... we can't hang onto it. So, friend, let go of fear. Breathe in His power and get ready for the waves. When they come keep a steady eye on the Horizon.
It all started with me reading Philippians 1:27-28 that says "..stand firm in one Spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you." There were actual people opposing these early Christians as they proclaimed the gospel, but Paul had another meaning there as well. This is clear from what he writes in Ephesians 6:12 that "our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and the spiritual forces of evil in heavenly realms." Paul understood who the real enemy was. We often don't, however, know our real enemy. The real enemies aren't people. People can only do so much. The real enemy is so much more dangerous. He knows your weaknesses... he knows what makes you freak out. The real enemy knows what can make you sink.
Peter was in a boat once on a rough sea. Jesus, like a ghost, came out to meet them walking across the water. Peter, knowing ahead of time that the waves were high and the wind was fierce, called out to Jesus... "If it's really you, call me out onto the water." Jesus calls him out... out of the safe boat. That safe boat that, while Peter was in it, he was brave and bold, but when he left it's safety and sturdiness, the waves became real. He saw that Jesus wasn't going to calm the sea this time, but He was going to allow Peter to be in the waves and wind just as they were. And he got distracted. He became afraid. He began to sink. Familiar story probably, but so real, so relateable. Peter, like us oftentimes, was passionate and ready to go wherever Jesus called. But, also like us, he was afraid. We have no reason to fear, though! That is what Jesus is telling us through Peter's story and through Paul's words. We actually don't have to be brave, we don't have to be strong. "For it is God who works in you to will and to act." Philippians 2:13 and "perfect love drives out fear." 1 John 4:18. See? God is calling you out. He wants, not needs, but wants to have you be a part of His big story. He has beautiful things for you. But with every calling, there are the waves. Satan seizes upon these moments of trial and suffering, these waves, and lies to us. He says that we can't do it, that it's too hard. Or he says that we've heard God wrong. His best lie is that the trial is his own creation and must be prayed away. So often we stop pursuing God and start pursuing comfort and ease. Because why would God call us then let the waves come? Because He's the Master of the waves. If He can still them, He can cause you to walk through them in peace and without fear. There is tremendous closeness to Him and a testimony to the darkness when a Believer endures great hardship and continues to seek God's face. And the absolute best part is that He gives us the strength. We don't have to be brave or bold, just faithful. Just ready. And we have to choose love over fear. We don't have to come up with the love that drives out fear, He gives it. But we have to let fear be driven away... we can't hang onto it. So, friend, let go of fear. Breathe in His power and get ready for the waves. When they come keep a steady eye on the Horizon.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Moved by compassion
It's amazing how Jesus can bring something back to me, even something I've heard or learned before, and it hits me afresh. This happened last night, and really, it's still happening.
We are trying to read more scripture with our kids. So we've been reading through Mark on the nights we eat dinner all together. Last night we were in Mark 1 and here is what we read:
We are trying to read more scripture with our kids. So we've been reading through Mark on the nights we eat dinner all together. Last night we were in Mark 1 and here is what we read:
"A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, “If you are willing, you can make me clean.”
Jesus was filled with compassion. He reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed." Mark 1:40-41
You should know that I'm kind of a crier, especially when it comes to our kids. So reading this to them, imagining the Word of God soaking into their little hearts and brains already made me tear but a bit. But then, as we discussed it, my wonderful husband pointed out something that I've heard before, but it came to me new. He singled out this portion of that story: "He reached out his hand and touched the man."
You probably know that leprosy in those days was a big deal. Lepers were considered unclean and there was no cure. And their disease was visible by all. No matter where they went the was no hiding what they were. They were the unwanted, the undesirable. Jesus touched this man. He touched him. We talked about how long it had been since that man had had any human touch. I was overwhelmed. And convicted. Because Jesus didn't just touch the man who hadn't been touched in a long time, he touched the infected, unclean man.
Here's the lesson for us. Jesus, moved by deep compassion, was willing to touch the dirty, unclean, diseased leper before he had been cleansed. Jesus' touch didn't just heal this man's disease, but healed his heart as well. We may or may not be able to heal someone's physical wounds, but we can heal heart wounds. But just as Christ touched the man because he was moved by compassion, our reaching has to start in our own hearts. I'm not going to pretend to be Ms. Accpet Everyone As They Are. One of my bigger struggles is with being judgmental and critical. Left to my own devices, which I was once upon a time, I am one of the "us" and there are a whole bunch of "them" who need to get their lives together and stop doing dumb things. But that is not Jesus' heart... and he's slowly changing mine every single day. I want to be moved out of judgement into compassion.
While there are some bigger issues we, as a collective church, have not handled well, I actually don't want to focus on those. Because I'm not interested in changing the collective church. I'm interested in changing me. I'm interested in raising my children to love the broken and hurting and dirty and undesirable. And my charge to everyone else is this: there are lines you draw and you need to stop. There are people in your mind that are "unreachable." You may not admit it consciously, but if you really look deep into how you react to certain people, you know that there are people out there who, if they approached you, you'd recoil in disgust. Stop. And this is different for everyone... depending on your upbringing or geographical location, the "unclean" in your mind will be different from someone else's. Politics can desensitize us to compassion as well. If political issues keep you from loving people, get out of the political mindset. Jesus never tried to change politics. He changed hearts. I want to be open to anyone. Ready to love anyone no matter where they come from or what sort of life they live or belief the ascribe to. And I encourage you to be open as well. Let compassion move you. Jesus, let compassion move me. Amen.
You should know that I'm kind of a crier, especially when it comes to our kids. So reading this to them, imagining the Word of God soaking into their little hearts and brains already made me tear but a bit. But then, as we discussed it, my wonderful husband pointed out something that I've heard before, but it came to me new. He singled out this portion of that story: "He reached out his hand and touched the man."
You probably know that leprosy in those days was a big deal. Lepers were considered unclean and there was no cure. And their disease was visible by all. No matter where they went the was no hiding what they were. They were the unwanted, the undesirable. Jesus touched this man. He touched him. We talked about how long it had been since that man had had any human touch. I was overwhelmed. And convicted. Because Jesus didn't just touch the man who hadn't been touched in a long time, he touched the infected, unclean man.
Here's the lesson for us. Jesus, moved by deep compassion, was willing to touch the dirty, unclean, diseased leper before he had been cleansed. Jesus' touch didn't just heal this man's disease, but healed his heart as well. We may or may not be able to heal someone's physical wounds, but we can heal heart wounds. But just as Christ touched the man because he was moved by compassion, our reaching has to start in our own hearts. I'm not going to pretend to be Ms. Accpet Everyone As They Are. One of my bigger struggles is with being judgmental and critical. Left to my own devices, which I was once upon a time, I am one of the "us" and there are a whole bunch of "them" who need to get their lives together and stop doing dumb things. But that is not Jesus' heart... and he's slowly changing mine every single day. I want to be moved out of judgement into compassion.
While there are some bigger issues we, as a collective church, have not handled well, I actually don't want to focus on those. Because I'm not interested in changing the collective church. I'm interested in changing me. I'm interested in raising my children to love the broken and hurting and dirty and undesirable. And my charge to everyone else is this: there are lines you draw and you need to stop. There are people in your mind that are "unreachable." You may not admit it consciously, but if you really look deep into how you react to certain people, you know that there are people out there who, if they approached you, you'd recoil in disgust. Stop. And this is different for everyone... depending on your upbringing or geographical location, the "unclean" in your mind will be different from someone else's. Politics can desensitize us to compassion as well. If political issues keep you from loving people, get out of the political mindset. Jesus never tried to change politics. He changed hearts. I want to be open to anyone. Ready to love anyone no matter where they come from or what sort of life they live or belief the ascribe to. And I encourage you to be open as well. Let compassion move you. Jesus, let compassion move me. Amen.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
An answer to the question of modesty.
I have discovered that the issue of modesty with Christian women can be very simply addressed. Are you ready, because I'm pretty sure I've stumbled upon the answer to every question about hemlines, necklines and swimsuits that was ever asked. And here it is:
you are enough
That's it. That's all you need to remember. God wants you. He wants you to reflect Him... and you are enough. You don't need to lose weight. You don't need new clothes. You don't need highlights or "splashlights" (apparently these are replacing the ombre fad. Hey, whatever works, right?). You don't need smokey eyes. You don't need a chunky coral necklace with matching earrings and coordinating bracelets. You can be free... free to just be you. You are beautiful to Him and His desire is for the real you to be seen... because He made you. The real you reflects Him. But there's a price to freedom. You have to let go of the insecurity that makes you desire to be the center of attention. You know it hurts. You know it's not fulfilling. Because even when you look your best, it gnaws in the back of your mind "Was I enough? Am I enough?" Even at your most confident it's there...... "Did they like me? Am I enough?" And it will always be there until you surrender. You have to open up and let Him see it all. Then you have to ask the scariest question of all: "God, show me what you want me to release to You. Whatever it is, whatever it means, I will give you whatever you ask for." But even as He prunes and cuts away the branches in your life that do not bear fruit, He will fill you with His Spirit and the sweetness will soothe the wounds. And then the freedom begins. So, sisters, embrace freedom. Even when the magazine, Pinterest, the movie tries to bring you back to insecurity and comparison, resist the Devil (that's who's behind all the lies), and he will flee. You can be you without fear. Be free! And be you!
note: There's nothing wrong with losing weight, wearing fabulous jewelry and wanting to look nice. But if our dress is rooted in insecurity or a desire to pull attention toward us rather than to the Jesus in us, then there's something there that is binding and will hold us captive rather than free us.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Why I love honeymoons!!
Whew, it's been a while since I've been here. I'm pretty sure I warned my reader that I am a serial non-blogger. The only time I was ever consistent with a blog was *cough* Xanga *cough* which a good friend of mine and I were just talking about the other day....coincidentally. Anyway, those Xanga days were my college days. The not-married-without-kids days. I had *not* a lot to do. Though I thought I had a lot to do, but I just didn't know yet that I didn't actually have a lot to do. :)
So why am I here again? Oh, yeah, honeymoons. So I love honeymoons! I love that people go on honeymoons. I actually ask every couple that I talk to about marriage (which is actually a lot these days) where they are going for their honeymoon and how long they will be gone. I do this because I feel strongly that honeymoons are VITAL to marriage. Ok, well, maybe not, like, deal-breaker vital, but whatever. I like them. Lately my news feed on the Book of Face is flooded with honeymoon pictures! Sugary, exotic, throw-up-a-little-in-your-mouth honeymoon pictures. And, truly, it's awesome. Because couples need honeymoons. Honeymoons give that little space of time, a week or a few days, or two weeks if resources allow, to live in an imaginary world where you are both perfect. Perfectly in love! Everything each of you do is still adorable to each other. Even if you've been with that person long enough for things to *not* be adorable, it's like you revert back to adorable land, wherever that is. You get to be excited and ridiculous and no one can say crap about it. Because you're on your honeymoon, for goodness sake! The world is beautiful! Everyone you tell about your recent marriage gives you gooey eyes and big smiles. They do this for one of two reasons: one) they're single and think the whole marriage/honeymoon thing is super awesome and they can't wait to get into it themselves or two) they know that this is that sweet spot.... and they know what comes next. They know that honeymoons end. That these two doe-eyed love birds are about to enter the real world, and that they actually have no idea what they've just gotten themselves into. Marriage.
One thing my husband always says is that if people spent as much time preparing for the marriage as they do for the wedding more marriages would last. I think that's true. Because marriage is hard. I know, groundbreaking stuff. Truly, though. We don't really talk about how hard marriage is. Or at least, we don't talk about it in a constructive way. There are plenty of people who complain about marriage. And that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the hard that makes you better. The hard that you don't run from or resent, but that you work through and grow from. It really is a beautiful thing. That two people can start out two, and through the process of hurting each other and loving each other and hurting again and loving again, can tear and then build oneness. So that the end product is one. Hurt is a part of every relationship. Even your perfect match is flawed and will hurt you.... sometimes intentionally... mostly unintentionally. And you'll do the same. But it's the humility and love through the pain that heals those hurts, that makes us better to each other.
Before all of that, though, is the honeymoon. And, all joking aside, it's a special thing. Whether it's spent in an exotic location or just in your own new place together, cherish your new love. And get ready for what comes next: great love. Love that's foundation isn't a ring or words said at a ceremony, but love built on kept promises and relinquished rights, layed down for the sake of each other and of Christ. So to any of my newlywed friends that might read this: I love you all and I'm so happy for you! I'm happy for your present and your future! If you listen to your First Love and follow Him down the path of love that gives itself away, your future will be "more than you could ever ask or imagine."
So why am I here again? Oh, yeah, honeymoons. So I love honeymoons! I love that people go on honeymoons. I actually ask every couple that I talk to about marriage (which is actually a lot these days) where they are going for their honeymoon and how long they will be gone. I do this because I feel strongly that honeymoons are VITAL to marriage. Ok, well, maybe not, like, deal-breaker vital, but whatever. I like them. Lately my news feed on the Book of Face is flooded with honeymoon pictures! Sugary, exotic, throw-up-a-little-in-your-mouth honeymoon pictures. And, truly, it's awesome. Because couples need honeymoons. Honeymoons give that little space of time, a week or a few days, or two weeks if resources allow, to live in an imaginary world where you are both perfect. Perfectly in love! Everything each of you do is still adorable to each other. Even if you've been with that person long enough for things to *not* be adorable, it's like you revert back to adorable land, wherever that is. You get to be excited and ridiculous and no one can say crap about it. Because you're on your honeymoon, for goodness sake! The world is beautiful! Everyone you tell about your recent marriage gives you gooey eyes and big smiles. They do this for one of two reasons: one) they're single and think the whole marriage/honeymoon thing is super awesome and they can't wait to get into it themselves or two) they know that this is that sweet spot.... and they know what comes next. They know that honeymoons end. That these two doe-eyed love birds are about to enter the real world, and that they actually have no idea what they've just gotten themselves into. Marriage.
One thing my husband always says is that if people spent as much time preparing for the marriage as they do for the wedding more marriages would last. I think that's true. Because marriage is hard. I know, groundbreaking stuff. Truly, though. We don't really talk about how hard marriage is. Or at least, we don't talk about it in a constructive way. There are plenty of people who complain about marriage. And that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the hard that makes you better. The hard that you don't run from or resent, but that you work through and grow from. It really is a beautiful thing. That two people can start out two, and through the process of hurting each other and loving each other and hurting again and loving again, can tear and then build oneness. So that the end product is one. Hurt is a part of every relationship. Even your perfect match is flawed and will hurt you.... sometimes intentionally... mostly unintentionally. And you'll do the same. But it's the humility and love through the pain that heals those hurts, that makes us better to each other.
Before all of that, though, is the honeymoon. And, all joking aside, it's a special thing. Whether it's spent in an exotic location or just in your own new place together, cherish your new love. And get ready for what comes next: great love. Love that's foundation isn't a ring or words said at a ceremony, but love built on kept promises and relinquished rights, layed down for the sake of each other and of Christ. So to any of my newlywed friends that might read this: I love you all and I'm so happy for you! I'm happy for your present and your future! If you listen to your First Love and follow Him down the path of love that gives itself away, your future will be "more than you could ever ask or imagine."
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Mary Ella's Birth Story
*sigh* My youngest love turns one today. My hands can't touch her soft skin enough, my lips can't kiss those fat cheeks enough, my ears can't get enough of her laugh. I cannot believe it's already been one year, and the years to come loom over me..... for I know, maybe more than most also in my time of life, how quickly this goes. Ok. Now I get to relive with you, dear blog (and friends) the day my Mary was born!
First of all, you should know, if you didn't already, that Mary was quite unexpected. My husband had had a vasectomy in Dec of 2009. We were done! No more babies (although, secretly inside, I wanted another). Five and a half months went by, and I became accustomed to the idea of only three and was very content. Then..... nausea..... a familiar nausea..... and a positive home test. Baby number four was on the way! That first day was hard, primarily because I felt like a failure (for some insane reason) to my husband who had this painful procedure for "nothing." And then I felt a tinge of selfish frustration about my body.... but Jesus reminded me, as He has before but never so clearly, that my body is not my own I was "bought with a price." But it didn't take long (one encounter with a sweet newborn girl at church that next Sunday) for me to be ecstatic about my chance to have one more beautiful baby! And I never could have guessed how beautiful she'd be.....
So Mary was due Jan 31st. We had hoped for the 28th, because all my others were born on days that were multiples of 7 (Aug 7th, Jan 14th, April 21st)... but the 28th came and past without a baby. However, at 2am on the 29th, I woke up with an intense contraction (VERY reminiscent of Daniel's labor). Went to the bathroom and noticed what seemed to be my water "trickling." I was pretty paranoid about labor starting because my previous labors had each been two hours shorter than the last (6hrs, 4hrs, and the last was 2 hrs!) and I had no idea how quickly this baby would come. So I waited just a bit... tried not to freak out.... drank some water... when I had another contraction, there was no doubt: my water had broken and was trickling.... I was in labor! So I wake Joseph and call my midwife. I thought to myself, as she answered the phone, "she seems really awake for 2:30am!" Well, that's because she was in Nacadoches at another birth! The baby had been delivered there but they needed to stick around just a little longer before they headed our way. Just in case you're wondering, Nacadoches is about an hour and a half from our house. So... needless to say, I was trying to take it easy. All that happened after that was a perfect example of Jesus' complete control over my body! It was amazing....
With my other three labors, once contractions started, there was no stopping them. I could sit, stand, walk, whatever and those babys didn't stop! But this time it was different. When I was sitting down, I had no real contractions. If I got up to go to the bathroom or whatever, they would come on strong. But while I sat in the chair, I would have a light contraction about every 15 minutes. My mom, dad, mother-in-law and sister-in-law were all there. So we chatted and waited. At about 3:00am, the midwife had called and let me know that they had left the other family and were headed our way. So we waited. At around 4am, I decide to get up and start walking around so that we could be progressing when the midwife showed up. And, of course, as I walked around the contractions came. So my midwife, Thalia, and her assistant, Jeri, showed up around 4:30 or so, checked me, I was a 6 1/2 (I think... the details get a little jumbled :) ). So I walked around a little more. Finally, the contractions were getting long and intense, characteristic of those transition contractions. I layed down and began to prepare myself mentally to push. It was about 6am when I started pushing. In 30 minutes I had 3 contractions, each 8-9 minutes apart! I was so confused.... in the past, my contractions during pushing were much closer together. After the first two, I just felt like I wasn't getting enough time to push before the contraction went away. So I just closed my eyes and prayed, "Jesus, You have been in control from step one, day one.... not just of this pregnancy and labor, but from the day of my own birth. You make this happen." So I just relaxed and breathed. That last contraction came and she was born! 6:30am, 9lbs 6oz, 21 1/2in. The most amazing part was when they lifted her up and faced her toward me, she lifted her head and her eyes met mine. I know she couldn't really see..... but I felt like she could... and I will never forget that moment.
I don't know why Jesus has done these things for me. I do not deserve even an ounce of the sweetness and joy He's brought me through all of my children. I will be grateful for the rest of my life, no matter what this life brings, for the experiences I have had so far.... and I wait in glad expectation for the things to come. I say this knowing, particularly right now, that the days ahead could be difficult beyond my current ability to understand. But, still, I know He is good and I know His purposes are good and far beyond my knowledge. So Praise You, Lord, for today, tomorrow and, even more, the Eternity I look toward..... the conclusion of my love story with You. Amen.
First of all, you should know, if you didn't already, that Mary was quite unexpected. My husband had had a vasectomy in Dec of 2009. We were done! No more babies (although, secretly inside, I wanted another). Five and a half months went by, and I became accustomed to the idea of only three and was very content. Then..... nausea..... a familiar nausea..... and a positive home test. Baby number four was on the way! That first day was hard, primarily because I felt like a failure (for some insane reason) to my husband who had this painful procedure for "nothing." And then I felt a tinge of selfish frustration about my body.... but Jesus reminded me, as He has before but never so clearly, that my body is not my own I was "bought with a price." But it didn't take long (one encounter with a sweet newborn girl at church that next Sunday) for me to be ecstatic about my chance to have one more beautiful baby! And I never could have guessed how beautiful she'd be.....
So Mary was due Jan 31st. We had hoped for the 28th, because all my others were born on days that were multiples of 7 (Aug 7th, Jan 14th, April 21st)... but the 28th came and past without a baby. However, at 2am on the 29th, I woke up with an intense contraction (VERY reminiscent of Daniel's labor). Went to the bathroom and noticed what seemed to be my water "trickling." I was pretty paranoid about labor starting because my previous labors had each been two hours shorter than the last (6hrs, 4hrs, and the last was 2 hrs!) and I had no idea how quickly this baby would come. So I waited just a bit... tried not to freak out.... drank some water... when I had another contraction, there was no doubt: my water had broken and was trickling.... I was in labor! So I wake Joseph and call my midwife. I thought to myself, as she answered the phone, "she seems really awake for 2:30am!" Well, that's because she was in Nacadoches at another birth! The baby had been delivered there but they needed to stick around just a little longer before they headed our way. Just in case you're wondering, Nacadoches is about an hour and a half from our house. So... needless to say, I was trying to take it easy. All that happened after that was a perfect example of Jesus' complete control over my body! It was amazing....
With my other three labors, once contractions started, there was no stopping them. I could sit, stand, walk, whatever and those babys didn't stop! But this time it was different. When I was sitting down, I had no real contractions. If I got up to go to the bathroom or whatever, they would come on strong. But while I sat in the chair, I would have a light contraction about every 15 minutes. My mom, dad, mother-in-law and sister-in-law were all there. So we chatted and waited. At about 3:00am, the midwife had called and let me know that they had left the other family and were headed our way. So we waited. At around 4am, I decide to get up and start walking around so that we could be progressing when the midwife showed up. And, of course, as I walked around the contractions came. So my midwife, Thalia, and her assistant, Jeri, showed up around 4:30 or so, checked me, I was a 6 1/2 (I think... the details get a little jumbled :) ). So I walked around a little more. Finally, the contractions were getting long and intense, characteristic of those transition contractions. I layed down and began to prepare myself mentally to push. It was about 6am when I started pushing. In 30 minutes I had 3 contractions, each 8-9 minutes apart! I was so confused.... in the past, my contractions during pushing were much closer together. After the first two, I just felt like I wasn't getting enough time to push before the contraction went away. So I just closed my eyes and prayed, "Jesus, You have been in control from step one, day one.... not just of this pregnancy and labor, but from the day of my own birth. You make this happen." So I just relaxed and breathed. That last contraction came and she was born! 6:30am, 9lbs 6oz, 21 1/2in. The most amazing part was when they lifted her up and faced her toward me, she lifted her head and her eyes met mine. I know she couldn't really see..... but I felt like she could... and I will never forget that moment.
I don't know why Jesus has done these things for me. I do not deserve even an ounce of the sweetness and joy He's brought me through all of my children. I will be grateful for the rest of my life, no matter what this life brings, for the experiences I have had so far.... and I wait in glad expectation for the things to come. I say this knowing, particularly right now, that the days ahead could be difficult beyond my current ability to understand. But, still, I know He is good and I know His purposes are good and far beyond my knowledge. So Praise You, Lord, for today, tomorrow and, even more, the Eternity I look toward..... the conclusion of my love story with You. Amen.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Seize the Day?
So this morning I read an article that talked about how frustrating it can be to be constantly told by older women to "make the most of your time with your kids..... because it goes by so fast." Here's an excerpt:
"Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy everysecond, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong." You can find this article here.This article made me kind of sad. I mean, I get what she's saying..... it's hard to enjoy kiddos when they're driving you mad (which seems to be all the time these days. haha!) But what makes me sad is the lack of Christ. I mean... she may not even be a follower of Christ... but the thing that makes me able to enjoy (almost) every moment... or at least strive to enjoy it..... is that it's not about the kids. This whole thing isn't about parenting....it's about Him. The more I realize that He is interested in every second of my day.... that He loves detail and He wants me to see Him in every detail..... that makes living in the moment (even in the unpleasant ones) a little better... not necessarily easier.... but just better.
One of our big problems is that we are a goal-oriented, results-driven society. And our churches and Christian homes are no exception. We want results we can see. At church it's "how may people came to Sunday School?" or "How many people do you have regularly attending?" And if you don't reach some magic number decided by who knows who, you MUST be doing something wrong. And in our families it's even harder..... because we can judge results right away. I mean... we might be able to get our 2-year-old to eat her broccoli (which is a small victory in it's own way) but we can't ensure at 3 that they're gonna be "good people" (whatever that means) at 21. And so we read books and we try this method and that method..... and at the end of the day we still fear it wasn't enough. What we have to come back to is this Truth: God is in control. Read it again.... over and over. The amazing thing is.... as followers of Christ we have access to Him! We can talk to Him... hear His heart.... know His will. He who knows the Beginning, Middle and End is available to us in the most intimate of relationships (if we're willing to lay ourselves down.) We have to realize that, as we parent our children, we can seek Him for every thing. When we're already late and the keys are nowhere to be found and the boys are fighting over a car and they fall over the baby and the oldest is complaining about something..... those are not Godless moments.... He is in the middle. He is calling out. I just have to tap in.... I have to stop looking for the keys, pick up the baby, walk into the other room away from the fighting and complaining and pray "Lord, there is nothing of eternal consequence here.... except for my children." If I don't find my keys and I don't get to the store or whatever appointment I had, so what. I'm sure we can find something for dinner.... and whoever was depending on me isn't going to hate me. I can praise Him.... I can be at peace..... I can create peace for my kids (Can you tell I'm writing to myself? Hehe). I'm not perfect at this..... not by a long shot.... but I'm striving every day..... I do want to trust Him..... be free of expectations and just obey Him and only Him.
I feel as if I have already seen a generation of kids grow up. The youngest of my sister's kids will be 17 in a few days. I babysat him when he was 3 months old! I held those babies and rocked them and layed down to nap with them and changed their diapers and made them lunch and dealt with all the insanity of young children (9-5 every weekday one summer!). And so now.... they're grown.... and I have my own babies. And I just want to pause every second. Even the crazy seconds..... and remembering in those crazy seconds that my nieces are of child-bearing age makes me stop and say "this craziness is brought to you by Jesus..... the Author and Perfecter of your faith.... And this is the process of perfecting that faith." I love that song by Francesca Battistelli where she says "This is the stuff/ that drives me crazy/ It may not be what I would choose/ But this is the stuff You use." It sounds simple and almost cliche...... but when you sit down and think about it.... it's profound. He is using every single part of my day to teach me and love me and show me more. Or He's using me for something He's doing... maybe it's not about me (gasp!!!). :)
In the end, I love Jesus and He loves me. He loves my children and He's a better parent than I will ever be. And I can pray, I can trust Him. And when I screw up, He provides grace..... overabundant grace! So, if you're a Mommy of little ones.... or even big ones.... or middle ones..... you are under His love and grace. Take a deep breath and truly seize the moment..... not the moment of parenting..... the moment of Christ. Don't seize the day.....seize the Lord! Grab on and don't let go!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Daniel's Birth Story
Happy Birthday to my second born: Joseph Daniel Osteen II. This child has been a source of so much growth and has been such a challenge.... in so many ways. Here's the story of his birth:
Daniel was the hardest one to wait for. I had been anxious for Abby when she was in her last weeks in-utero, but not like it was with Daniel. This is mostly because (I would find out afterward) he was almost 1 1/2lbs heavier than Abby and an inch and a quarter longer. In those last weeks, he had "dropped," but he still kicked my ribs and sternum. And I ached all the time. My hips hurt, my back hurt.... getting up in the morning was the worst! And he was late. Ugh. My due date for him was January 4th, which I knew to be a little too early. So when the 4th came and went, I was not concerned..... a little disappointed (I was sooooooo ready!) but not concerned. So the 6th came... and went... and the 9th came.... and went.... and the 12th came...... and went. By now he was over a week late! Talk about ready to have a baby.... if induction had been an option, it probably wouldn't have taken too much convincing!
I went to bed at 1am on Monday, January 14th (the first day of classes at UT for the spring semester AND the day of our first noon lunch of the semester!) but woke up only an hour later with a hard contraction. So I think "time to go to the bathroom." To the bathroom I go... then about 7 or 8 minutes later.... another hard contraction. Now, at 2 am, no one thinks very clearly, and even though I had been through labor once before, I still was not sure this was it. With Abby there had been no guess work: my water broke and I was in labor! But I was not ready for the "is this really it" mental debate. So for an hour I walked around, drank water and waited to see if the contractions stopped. They did not. So I woke up Joseph. Then we debated as to whether we should call the midwife... I mean, it was 3am. I wanted to make sure we were really ready. So an hour later, we call our midwife and Joseph's mom. Abby was 21 months old and sleeping sweetly in her room, so my mother in law was on call for staying with her when we went into labor. We also called my mom so she could come in to be with me. The midwife informed us that it would take her an hour to get into Tyler to the birth center and get things set up... but if things got urgent, to call. So we waited another hour. By now, the contractions were 3-5 minutes apart. I wasn't hungry, but knowing I'd need some energy, I ate some eggs and toast between contractions.
Finally, at a little after 5am, my mother in law got to our apartment, and we headed to the birth center, only five or so minutes away. On the way there I began to feel like I needed to push! I thought "maybe I'm just remembering the sensation of pushing and not really NEEDING to push." Hah! So I breathe through those contractions, and we get to the birth center. Just walking in and going up the stairs, I have to stop two or three times for contractions. Those babys were getting intense. When we get to the birth room I tell my midwife that I've sort of felt like I needed to push. But we're only a little less than 4 hrs into this, so she smiles sweetly, not quite believing me, and says "Let's check and see how things are going." Lo and behold, we're at a 10..... ready to go! And my mom's not there yet, the birth assistant isn't there yet.... my sister (who was supposed to come and provide any physical support needed) wasn't there. It was just me, my husband and the midwife in the early morning... so quiet and peaceful. I pushed once or twice.... then toward the end of the second push my water broke. Just after that my mom walked in, and just in time because with that next push he'd be born! Slowly, softly with little to no pain (on crowning.... the contractions were definitely painful). His head, then his shoulders. It was 5:56am. I remember not being able to believe how big he was. Sooooo fat! They placed him on my chest. I'm not gonna lie, he was not a cute baby in those first hours. haha. His face was a little swollen from birth... he was not as pretty as Abby had been. But I was still smitten. And I became more so every day.
It's funny to think back on his birth now. It was so sweet and quiet. And, if you know my son now.... those words aren't his best descriptors. He is sweet, for sure.... but quiet..... not so much. Haha. He's a normal boy. But every day he tells me he loves me..... every day he kisses my face.... without any solicitation. Sometimes he drives absolutely insane! But he is the most lovely little boy I know..... and I am grateful every single day that Jesus gave me charge over this Daniel. And I pray every day that I can be the mother... and woman.... he needs in his life to help him become the man he'll be one day. More than all of that, I pray for continued grace from Christ to cover where I lack and grow up this man to be madly in love with Him and do mighty things! Amen!
Daniel was the hardest one to wait for. I had been anxious for Abby when she was in her last weeks in-utero, but not like it was with Daniel. This is mostly because (I would find out afterward) he was almost 1 1/2lbs heavier than Abby and an inch and a quarter longer. In those last weeks, he had "dropped," but he still kicked my ribs and sternum. And I ached all the time. My hips hurt, my back hurt.... getting up in the morning was the worst! And he was late. Ugh. My due date for him was January 4th, which I knew to be a little too early. So when the 4th came and went, I was not concerned..... a little disappointed (I was sooooooo ready!) but not concerned. So the 6th came... and went... and the 9th came.... and went.... and the 12th came...... and went. By now he was over a week late! Talk about ready to have a baby.... if induction had been an option, it probably wouldn't have taken too much convincing!
I went to bed at 1am on Monday, January 14th (the first day of classes at UT for the spring semester AND the day of our first noon lunch of the semester!) but woke up only an hour later with a hard contraction. So I think "time to go to the bathroom." To the bathroom I go... then about 7 or 8 minutes later.... another hard contraction. Now, at 2 am, no one thinks very clearly, and even though I had been through labor once before, I still was not sure this was it. With Abby there had been no guess work: my water broke and I was in labor! But I was not ready for the "is this really it" mental debate. So for an hour I walked around, drank water and waited to see if the contractions stopped. They did not. So I woke up Joseph. Then we debated as to whether we should call the midwife... I mean, it was 3am. I wanted to make sure we were really ready. So an hour later, we call our midwife and Joseph's mom. Abby was 21 months old and sleeping sweetly in her room, so my mother in law was on call for staying with her when we went into labor. We also called my mom so she could come in to be with me. The midwife informed us that it would take her an hour to get into Tyler to the birth center and get things set up... but if things got urgent, to call. So we waited another hour. By now, the contractions were 3-5 minutes apart. I wasn't hungry, but knowing I'd need some energy, I ate some eggs and toast between contractions.
Finally, at a little after 5am, my mother in law got to our apartment, and we headed to the birth center, only five or so minutes away. On the way there I began to feel like I needed to push! I thought "maybe I'm just remembering the sensation of pushing and not really NEEDING to push." Hah! So I breathe through those contractions, and we get to the birth center. Just walking in and going up the stairs, I have to stop two or three times for contractions. Those babys were getting intense. When we get to the birth room I tell my midwife that I've sort of felt like I needed to push. But we're only a little less than 4 hrs into this, so she smiles sweetly, not quite believing me, and says "Let's check and see how things are going." Lo and behold, we're at a 10..... ready to go! And my mom's not there yet, the birth assistant isn't there yet.... my sister (who was supposed to come and provide any physical support needed) wasn't there. It was just me, my husband and the midwife in the early morning... so quiet and peaceful. I pushed once or twice.... then toward the end of the second push my water broke. Just after that my mom walked in, and just in time because with that next push he'd be born! Slowly, softly with little to no pain (on crowning.... the contractions were definitely painful). His head, then his shoulders. It was 5:56am. I remember not being able to believe how big he was. Sooooo fat! They placed him on my chest. I'm not gonna lie, he was not a cute baby in those first hours. haha. His face was a little swollen from birth... he was not as pretty as Abby had been. But I was still smitten. And I became more so every day.
It's funny to think back on his birth now. It was so sweet and quiet. And, if you know my son now.... those words aren't his best descriptors. He is sweet, for sure.... but quiet..... not so much. Haha. He's a normal boy. But every day he tells me he loves me..... every day he kisses my face.... without any solicitation. Sometimes he drives absolutely insane! But he is the most lovely little boy I know..... and I am grateful every single day that Jesus gave me charge over this Daniel. And I pray every day that I can be the mother... and woman.... he needs in his life to help him become the man he'll be one day. More than all of that, I pray for continued grace from Christ to cover where I lack and grow up this man to be madly in love with Him and do mighty things! Amen!
Monday, November 28, 2011
The Big Binge...eek!
So Thanksgiving was this last week...... yeah. Haha. It wasn't actually that bad, as far as food goes. But I had a different kind of binge experience last week that got me thinking....
I had a self-binge day. Actually, it was a self-binge weekend. This is when I pretty much stuff myself with.... well, myself. You see, I am made of two people: flesh and Spirit. My flesh is hopelessly vain and selfish. It feeds off of attention... and makeup... and cute clothes.... and perfectly tousled hair. It feeds off of telling a good joke or making the witty remark that gets the smiles and the laughs. It feeds off of those passing looks of admiration from someone.... anyone. And I had a weekend like that. A weekend where I privately fed my vanity in my thoughts.... admiring myself in the mirror. Not that I consciously think I'm all that.... but I like the way I'm looking these days. And I thought about what others thought about me. What would make me the most pleasing to others? Feed feed feed. It's like stuffing my face with chocolate cake, except I'm stuffing my flesh. Then I had a party to go to. I got to dress up (this is a pretty big deal for a mom of four young children). The kids were entertained for the most part, so I got to do some entertaining myself. I got to make funny remarks, laugh and get attention. I got to smile and glance and flirt.... but not flirting with any one person. No. Flirting with the crowd.... being pleasing and appealing to anyone I could. Feed feed feed. Stuff stuff stuff.
And I felt sick afterward..... Spirit-sick. My flesh was this bloated, puffed up, sin-covered glutton... poisoning my Spirit with selfish, vain, disgusting pride and self-love.
The next day, I couldn't figure out why I felt so blah. I was unmotivated and irritable. I realized it in a quick instant: I was sick. It was very much like how I felt after a few days of eating sweets, fatty foods and unreasonable portions of food. I would feel icky.... in need of a detox. And, see, before I began eating healthy food, I didn't realize I felt icky all the time. Being tired, sluggish and half-nauseous all the time was normal, so I didn't notice it. But once you begin to lose weight and eat food your body was meant to process, when you inevitably binge on foods you don't normally eat, you realize "whoa! This is crappy! How did I eat/feel like this all the time???" This is the same for the heart. When we seek the things of God and chase after the Unseen, we stop feeding on the things that nourish our flesh. Our spirits grow strong and healthy. We are giving, patient, kind.... we feel whole and at peace and connected with Christ and His plan. But when we let ourselves pig out on the "flesh" food again..... we realize how sick our "selves" make us.
Switchfoot has a song with lyrics that I love:
"I am my own affliction. I am my own disease.
There ain't no drug that they could sell.
There ain't no drug to make me well.
There ain't no drug/ there ain't no drug/ there ain't no drug/
no drug to make me well. The sickness is myself."
So so true.
So after my realization that weekend, I began some self-denial. I stopped feeding the flesh. As vain, selfish thoughts tried to tempt my flesh, I spoke out the Truth I know to be true: this life is not about me.
There is NOTHING that occurs naturally in me that is good. Christ is my ONLY good. He makes me beautiful, because He is beautiful. The only attractiveness I desire is that others would be attracted to Him because of all of Him that they see in me.
My encouragement to you is to not just strive to fill your body with good things. Also, strive to fill your heart with good things. Stop eating the things that your flesh loves.... it's different for everyone.... and feed your spirit the things that it loves: the Word of God, conversation with Jesus, music, books that point your mind to things Unseen rather than the things of this world. Just as your body thrives in healthy fuel, so your heart will too. :)
I had a self-binge day. Actually, it was a self-binge weekend. This is when I pretty much stuff myself with.... well, myself. You see, I am made of two people: flesh and Spirit. My flesh is hopelessly vain and selfish. It feeds off of attention... and makeup... and cute clothes.... and perfectly tousled hair. It feeds off of telling a good joke or making the witty remark that gets the smiles and the laughs. It feeds off of those passing looks of admiration from someone.... anyone. And I had a weekend like that. A weekend where I privately fed my vanity in my thoughts.... admiring myself in the mirror. Not that I consciously think I'm all that.... but I like the way I'm looking these days. And I thought about what others thought about me. What would make me the most pleasing to others? Feed feed feed. It's like stuffing my face with chocolate cake, except I'm stuffing my flesh. Then I had a party to go to. I got to dress up (this is a pretty big deal for a mom of four young children). The kids were entertained for the most part, so I got to do some entertaining myself. I got to make funny remarks, laugh and get attention. I got to smile and glance and flirt.... but not flirting with any one person. No. Flirting with the crowd.... being pleasing and appealing to anyone I could. Feed feed feed. Stuff stuff stuff.
And I felt sick afterward..... Spirit-sick. My flesh was this bloated, puffed up, sin-covered glutton... poisoning my Spirit with selfish, vain, disgusting pride and self-love.
The next day, I couldn't figure out why I felt so blah. I was unmotivated and irritable. I realized it in a quick instant: I was sick. It was very much like how I felt after a few days of eating sweets, fatty foods and unreasonable portions of food. I would feel icky.... in need of a detox. And, see, before I began eating healthy food, I didn't realize I felt icky all the time. Being tired, sluggish and half-nauseous all the time was normal, so I didn't notice it. But once you begin to lose weight and eat food your body was meant to process, when you inevitably binge on foods you don't normally eat, you realize "whoa! This is crappy! How did I eat/feel like this all the time???" This is the same for the heart. When we seek the things of God and chase after the Unseen, we stop feeding on the things that nourish our flesh. Our spirits grow strong and healthy. We are giving, patient, kind.... we feel whole and at peace and connected with Christ and His plan. But when we let ourselves pig out on the "flesh" food again..... we realize how sick our "selves" make us.
Switchfoot has a song with lyrics that I love:
"I am my own affliction. I am my own disease.
There ain't no drug that they could sell.
There ain't no drug to make me well.
There ain't no drug/ there ain't no drug/ there ain't no drug/
no drug to make me well. The sickness is myself."
So so true.
So after my realization that weekend, I began some self-denial. I stopped feeding the flesh. As vain, selfish thoughts tried to tempt my flesh, I spoke out the Truth I know to be true: this life is not about me.
There is NOTHING that occurs naturally in me that is good. Christ is my ONLY good. He makes me beautiful, because He is beautiful. The only attractiveness I desire is that others would be attracted to Him because of all of Him that they see in me.
My encouragement to you is to not just strive to fill your body with good things. Also, strive to fill your heart with good things. Stop eating the things that your flesh loves.... it's different for everyone.... and feed your spirit the things that it loves: the Word of God, conversation with Jesus, music, books that point your mind to things Unseen rather than the things of this world. Just as your body thrives in healthy fuel, so your heart will too. :)
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
A New Name
When I started this blog, I had a really hard time deciding on a name. I'm not really good at that sort of thing :/. But lately I've been thinking about this idea of "Stepping Heavenward." That's actually the name of a book. It's a book I read several years ago that I really loved. It's the journal of a girl, starting when she's 16, and it follows her through her life; marriage, children, relationships with God, until her death. It was amazing reading about all the things she said and did when she was young.... and all that she learned through many unexpected circumstances.
I feel like so much of my life has been one step at a time. It started at 19 when all I had planned and thought would happen changed abruptly. He brought me to a place of uncertainty.... where all I could see was the very next step. And now, almost 10 years later, I am still taking one step at a time. I'm still only seeing today. I'm understanding even more clearly the uncertainty of the next day... even of the next hour. And I'm learning how to love Him in the moment. I'm learning how to live in right now through thankfulness and grace.
This blog is still dedicated to my journey in health and weight loss.... but also to the spiritual lessons I'm learning through this aspect of my life. And, really, the spiritual lessons I'm learning through every aspect of my life. It's becoming clearer and clearer that everything I do and experience is designed on purpose to reveal Him to me.... and me to me.... and what He is doing in me... and what He wants me to do with all that He is showing me. I know there's a lot of "me" in there. But, truly..... it's Him. And I hope that's what I portray. Please, let only Christ be visible in me. Amen.
I feel like so much of my life has been one step at a time. It started at 19 when all I had planned and thought would happen changed abruptly. He brought me to a place of uncertainty.... where all I could see was the very next step. And now, almost 10 years later, I am still taking one step at a time. I'm still only seeing today. I'm understanding even more clearly the uncertainty of the next day... even of the next hour. And I'm learning how to love Him in the moment. I'm learning how to live in right now through thankfulness and grace.
This blog is still dedicated to my journey in health and weight loss.... but also to the spiritual lessons I'm learning through this aspect of my life. And, really, the spiritual lessons I'm learning through every aspect of my life. It's becoming clearer and clearer that everything I do and experience is designed on purpose to reveal Him to me.... and me to me.... and what He is doing in me... and what He wants me to do with all that He is showing me. I know there's a lot of "me" in there. But, truly..... it's Him. And I hope that's what I portray. Please, let only Christ be visible in me. Amen.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Lydia's Birth Story
I did it for Abby so I figured I'd share Lydia's birth story in honor of her birthday.....
and her birth is my favorite to tell :).
So Lydia was nine days late! We were expecting her on, before or only shortly after July 29th. The morning I went into labor was August 7th. It was a beautiful morning, around 10:30 am. I was actually sitting at the table coloring with Abby and Daniel. I had had a wonderful night's sleep, a good breakfast and a relaxing day.... and it was Friday! As I sat there at the table, I begin to notice that I had had a few contractions in a row. So I thought... well, I'll go to the bathroom and see what's up. On the way to the bathroom I had a little harder contraction, so after I came out of the bathroom I thought I'd sit in the recliner for a while and time any regular contractions I was having. Well, it was only a couple of minutes later when GUSH! My water broke! Luckily, I had put some protection on while in the bathroom. :) My mom was with me so I told her what was happening and we called my midwife, Thalia, and Joseph and my mother-in-law, Mindy. I tried to stay put and time my contractions, but I couldn't! I kept getting up to help mom with stuff. I was getting things picked up and getting the bed ready, making sure my birth supplies were accessible.
After about ten or fifteen minutes I said to myself "ok. I better sit down and time these contractions.... I have no idea how far apart they are or how long they are." So I sat down and timed: contractions about 5min apart. Ok. Nice. So then Joseph gets there followed by my mother-in-law. Around 11:30-11:45 or so (two years later the timeline gets fuzzy :) ) the contractions are already getting harder. My midwife gets there at around noon or shortly after and checks me..... I'm a seven! So I decide to stay in bed. Only a few minutes later I'm surprised by the urge to push! So I start pushing.... and a few contractions (and big pushes) later we have a 10lb 5oz baby girl! The whole labor was a whopping 2 hours long!
I don't know why in particular, but I felt so great afterward. It seemed like with Abby and Daniel's births that I was so wiped out after them.... but this was different. I had so much energy! Of course, I couldn't do anything with it. haha. I had no tears at all this time so no stitches. It was all in all just an amazing experience. It was my first birth at home, and I would recommend it to anyone!
After Lydia I just felt so blessed. I had a short, comparatively easy, uncomplicated birth. And I had this big, fat sweetie! I also thought she was my last. So I really savored those first hours and days. :) Little did I know that Jesus had another plan.... a little Mary. But I'll save her story for later.
and her birth is my favorite to tell :).
So Lydia was nine days late! We were expecting her on, before or only shortly after July 29th. The morning I went into labor was August 7th. It was a beautiful morning, around 10:30 am. I was actually sitting at the table coloring with Abby and Daniel. I had had a wonderful night's sleep, a good breakfast and a relaxing day.... and it was Friday! As I sat there at the table, I begin to notice that I had had a few contractions in a row. So I thought... well, I'll go to the bathroom and see what's up. On the way to the bathroom I had a little harder contraction, so after I came out of the bathroom I thought I'd sit in the recliner for a while and time any regular contractions I was having. Well, it was only a couple of minutes later when GUSH! My water broke! Luckily, I had put some protection on while in the bathroom. :) My mom was with me so I told her what was happening and we called my midwife, Thalia, and Joseph and my mother-in-law, Mindy. I tried to stay put and time my contractions, but I couldn't! I kept getting up to help mom with stuff. I was getting things picked up and getting the bed ready, making sure my birth supplies were accessible.
After about ten or fifteen minutes I said to myself "ok. I better sit down and time these contractions.... I have no idea how far apart they are or how long they are." So I sat down and timed: contractions about 5min apart. Ok. Nice. So then Joseph gets there followed by my mother-in-law. Around 11:30-11:45 or so (two years later the timeline gets fuzzy :) ) the contractions are already getting harder. My midwife gets there at around noon or shortly after and checks me..... I'm a seven! So I decide to stay in bed. Only a few minutes later I'm surprised by the urge to push! So I start pushing.... and a few contractions (and big pushes) later we have a 10lb 5oz baby girl! The whole labor was a whopping 2 hours long!
I don't know why in particular, but I felt so great afterward. It seemed like with Abby and Daniel's births that I was so wiped out after them.... but this was different. I had so much energy! Of course, I couldn't do anything with it. haha. I had no tears at all this time so no stitches. It was all in all just an amazing experience. It was my first birth at home, and I would recommend it to anyone!
After Lydia I just felt so blessed. I had a short, comparatively easy, uncomplicated birth. And I had this big, fat sweetie! I also thought she was my last. So I really savored those first hours and days. :) Little did I know that Jesus had another plan.... a little Mary. But I'll save her story for later.
Happy Birthday to my sweet Lydia. I can't believe it's been two years! And she is such a joy! Praise Jesus for children and all the love and mess and stress and joy they bring into life!!!!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Brain Change
So I came here earlier this evening thinking to myself: I need to blog. ugh.
And I felt 0 motivation and inspiration. But after visiting the website for a restaurant we're eating at tomorrow night... I have become inspired.
Tomorrow night is our anniversary dinner. I have four siblings and all of our wedding anniversaries (including my parents') fall between May 18 and July 2, so we have one big dinner in June every year. Well, July this year :). Last year we went to Carino's and loved the atmosphere so we're going there again this year. This is only the second year (of the five we've had these dinners) that I have been eating conscientiously. The other four years I was either pregnant or just not with it. Mostly pregnant :).
Ok. So I've been doing really good this week.... working out a lot.... eating well. So I think to myself, I'm just gonna go to Carino's enjoy myself and not worry about the calories, etc. But I still decide to visit the website to see what they have.
So I'm perusing the options when I see on the left hand side of the page... about half way down... the nutrition link. I can't help it! I have to see!! And out the window goes my carefree attitude!
I'm seeing calorie counts upwards of 1,200 -1,500 calories! Some dishes having 60, 70, 90 grams of fat! Holy cow!!! Holy big fat giant cow! Which is what I'd be if I ate that stuff! Haha.
But what I loved about this experience is the realization that this weight loss has become more than dieting. Finally, I'm past "diet" stage and I'm living my life differently. My brain has completely changed. From not being able to resist seeing the nutrition to not being able to write off 1,000 calories in one dish! Once I saw how many calories and fat grams were in this food, I had no desire to eat it. It didn't even look good to me anymore. That's amazing! Really, this is a big step!
This is the big problem with our diet culture. It's a diet culture. haha. Seriously, though, we've become about the destination. And, really, in more ways that just with our diets. We are so focused on the outcome that we miss the journey. And almost always the journey counts for more than the destination. This is how yo-yo dieting happens. And this is how many of the diet businesses stay in business. And some of them even take advantage of that. This is why I love Weight Watchers. They consistently make corporate decisions based on what is best for their customers... not what's going to make them more money. Lately, the PointsPlus change was a big risk. Many members had to be won over to the idea. WW had to know that this would result in losing some customers. But they were more concerned with the overall health of those using the program than their comfort level.
And, unfortunately, many people who join Weight Watchers (and many other weight loss programs) quit because of the failure to make a healthy lifestyle change. It's hard! But it is so worth it. It's worth it when you can stop having all those ups and downs that make you feel like crap. When it's a life change, a brain change, you make better decisions more consistently. It's not that you never mess up. But it's that each slip up doesn't become the nails in your coffin. You're able to acknowledge the mistake and move on... knowing your mistakes don't define you. Weight no longer defines you.
So, if you're reading this and you're weight has gone up and down and up and down, and you feel like up may be the only way you'll ever go. Don't lose heart! Numbers whether they're on a scale or on a tag in your clothing don't have any bearing on who you are! You are victorious in whatever you set your mind to be. And you aren't doomed. You have in you what you need to succeed. And anything you lack, He gives over and above!
And I felt 0 motivation and inspiration. But after visiting the website for a restaurant we're eating at tomorrow night... I have become inspired.
Tomorrow night is our anniversary dinner. I have four siblings and all of our wedding anniversaries (including my parents') fall between May 18 and July 2, so we have one big dinner in June every year. Well, July this year :). Last year we went to Carino's and loved the atmosphere so we're going there again this year. This is only the second year (of the five we've had these dinners) that I have been eating conscientiously. The other four years I was either pregnant or just not with it. Mostly pregnant :).
Ok. So I've been doing really good this week.... working out a lot.... eating well. So I think to myself, I'm just gonna go to Carino's enjoy myself and not worry about the calories, etc. But I still decide to visit the website to see what they have.
So I'm perusing the options when I see on the left hand side of the page... about half way down... the nutrition link. I can't help it! I have to see!! And out the window goes my carefree attitude!
I'm seeing calorie counts upwards of 1,200 -1,500 calories! Some dishes having 60, 70, 90 grams of fat! Holy cow!!! Holy big fat giant cow! Which is what I'd be if I ate that stuff! Haha.
But what I loved about this experience is the realization that this weight loss has become more than dieting. Finally, I'm past "diet" stage and I'm living my life differently. My brain has completely changed. From not being able to resist seeing the nutrition to not being able to write off 1,000 calories in one dish! Once I saw how many calories and fat grams were in this food, I had no desire to eat it. It didn't even look good to me anymore. That's amazing! Really, this is a big step!
This is the big problem with our diet culture. It's a diet culture. haha. Seriously, though, we've become about the destination. And, really, in more ways that just with our diets. We are so focused on the outcome that we miss the journey. And almost always the journey counts for more than the destination. This is how yo-yo dieting happens. And this is how many of the diet businesses stay in business. And some of them even take advantage of that. This is why I love Weight Watchers. They consistently make corporate decisions based on what is best for their customers... not what's going to make them more money. Lately, the PointsPlus change was a big risk. Many members had to be won over to the idea. WW had to know that this would result in losing some customers. But they were more concerned with the overall health of those using the program than their comfort level.
And, unfortunately, many people who join Weight Watchers (and many other weight loss programs) quit because of the failure to make a healthy lifestyle change. It's hard! But it is so worth it. It's worth it when you can stop having all those ups and downs that make you feel like crap. When it's a life change, a brain change, you make better decisions more consistently. It's not that you never mess up. But it's that each slip up doesn't become the nails in your coffin. You're able to acknowledge the mistake and move on... knowing your mistakes don't define you. Weight no longer defines you.
So, if you're reading this and you're weight has gone up and down and up and down, and you feel like up may be the only way you'll ever go. Don't lose heart! Numbers whether they're on a scale or on a tag in your clothing don't have any bearing on who you are! You are victorious in whatever you set your mind to be. And you aren't doomed. You have in you what you need to succeed. And anything you lack, He gives over and above!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
My Weight Loss Journey
I'm writing this post for two reasons. One: To share why I am where I am and why I feel as I do about weight loss and Weight Watchers specifically. Two: Because I'm in a slight rut and recounting where I've come from is therapeutic for me :).
The beginnings of my weight loss journey can be summed up to one fateful day. I was 13, 5' 10" and 200lbs. Yes, I was quite a girl. On this day specifically, I was shopping with my mom at Marshall's, and I was struggling to find jeans that fit. I was on the larger side of size 16 and in those days (not THAT long ago... but long enough) there weren't as many 16 and ups. And plus size clothes were not nearly as cute as they are today. So shopping was hard. Then I saw her. There was a woman shopping a few feet away from me. She was probably in her early 20's with long brown hair and she was thin. She wasn't too thin.... but what I would have, at the time, deemed the "perfect" size. And I was overcome with envy and sadness. I left the store in tears.
That was the day I decided I needed to change. Thirteen is so young, you might say. And I was young... but I had the body of a woman... a woman on her way to being quite overweight. My weight loss attempts started with jogging. I worked my way up to 5 miles a day. I lost 20lbs and then my weight plateaued at around 180. At the time, my mom was doing a version of the "Atkins" diet. So I jumped on. I ate eggs, meat, cheese.... no bread, potatoes, etc. Ugh. The good news is that I lost 20 more pounds to finally end up at 160. The bad news is, there was no way to maintain that lifestyle. My jogging was cut down to 2.5 miles a day because of schedule changes, and there was no way to live the rest of my life eating only protein and vegetables. I remember thinking to myself "a diet where I can't eat apples and oranges because they contain carbs can't be good for you." I was right! I think true low-carb diets let you eat fruits, but the one I was on didn't. So I slowly scrapped that. Luckily, because of age and activity, I didn't balloon back to my starting weight in a month like so many who have started and stopped the low-carb diet. My weight slowly rose.... and by the time I was getting ready to get married, five years later, I was sitting right around 190lbs. But I was happy. I was happy with who I was, even if I was a little heavy. Then..... I had a baby.
After my first child was born, I lost all my baby weight and went back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 205lbs in just a few months. I was like "yeah! This breastfeeding thing is awesome!" But then my body and my baby got used to each other, and the weight began to climb not-so-slowly. By the time my baby was 8 months old, I was getting very near my highest pregnancy weight of 232lbs. Yikes! I knew that if I continued to go the direction I was, that I would end up in a place of hopelessness. I had tried for three or so months to lose the weight on my own, but I was realizing that my life was too hectic to keep up with it without help. Enter Weight Watchers.
My mom had been on and off of Weight Watchers for years. But she had been sticking with it for three or so years at this point and had great success. I knew the concept of WW was not rocket science. Lean meats, veggies, whole grains and fruit..... cut back on sugar and high fatty foods and you'll lose weight. Duh. But what WW provided that I didn't have at the time: accountability. I needed someone to answer to every week. And after the first meeting, I got it. The community is key. Going into that room with all of those women of all different ages and sizes..... but all on the same journey was absolute encouragement. Every week I would hear keys and tips... what worked for this person or didn't work for that person. I began to learn why I was eating as I was. And I lost weight! From February - May 2007, I lost 25lbs! Then I got pregnant again!
The rest of the story goes like this: started WW again after the birth of my second child and lost 25lbs again, getting down to 185. Then I got pregnant again. The third time I started back to WW, I lost 35lbs and was at 175. Then I got pregnant again. hehe. My fourth child was born at the end of January of this year. I started WW again at the end of Feb, and I've lost 7lbs so far.
I will be with WW for the rest of my life. I plan to get to my goal weight of 170lbs, get my maintenance and lifetime membership (at which point attending meetings and using resources is free as long as I'm within 2lbs of my goal weight!) Then I hope to get down to 160 so I have a nice 10lb cushion. :) I am happy with who I am right now. Losing weight for me now is part of being a healthy, whole person. I want to feel good, be healthy and in shape, and be a good role model for my daughters. I don't need to look a certain way now. I'm finally past that motivation. Now I'm motivated by quality of life and by the desire to be a disciplined person.
So here's to losing weight. To feel better, and to prove that we have the power to change anything about ourselves that we feel needs change!
The beginnings of my weight loss journey can be summed up to one fateful day. I was 13, 5' 10" and 200lbs. Yes, I was quite a girl. On this day specifically, I was shopping with my mom at Marshall's, and I was struggling to find jeans that fit. I was on the larger side of size 16 and in those days (not THAT long ago... but long enough) there weren't as many 16 and ups. And plus size clothes were not nearly as cute as they are today. So shopping was hard. Then I saw her. There was a woman shopping a few feet away from me. She was probably in her early 20's with long brown hair and she was thin. She wasn't too thin.... but what I would have, at the time, deemed the "perfect" size. And I was overcome with envy and sadness. I left the store in tears.
That was the day I decided I needed to change. Thirteen is so young, you might say. And I was young... but I had the body of a woman... a woman on her way to being quite overweight. My weight loss attempts started with jogging. I worked my way up to 5 miles a day. I lost 20lbs and then my weight plateaued at around 180. At the time, my mom was doing a version of the "Atkins" diet. So I jumped on. I ate eggs, meat, cheese.... no bread, potatoes, etc. Ugh. The good news is that I lost 20 more pounds to finally end up at 160. The bad news is, there was no way to maintain that lifestyle. My jogging was cut down to 2.5 miles a day because of schedule changes, and there was no way to live the rest of my life eating only protein and vegetables. I remember thinking to myself "a diet where I can't eat apples and oranges because they contain carbs can't be good for you." I was right! I think true low-carb diets let you eat fruits, but the one I was on didn't. So I slowly scrapped that. Luckily, because of age and activity, I didn't balloon back to my starting weight in a month like so many who have started and stopped the low-carb diet. My weight slowly rose.... and by the time I was getting ready to get married, five years later, I was sitting right around 190lbs. But I was happy. I was happy with who I was, even if I was a little heavy. Then..... I had a baby.
After my first child was born, I lost all my baby weight and went back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 205lbs in just a few months. I was like "yeah! This breastfeeding thing is awesome!" But then my body and my baby got used to each other, and the weight began to climb not-so-slowly. By the time my baby was 8 months old, I was getting very near my highest pregnancy weight of 232lbs. Yikes! I knew that if I continued to go the direction I was, that I would end up in a place of hopelessness. I had tried for three or so months to lose the weight on my own, but I was realizing that my life was too hectic to keep up with it without help. Enter Weight Watchers.
My mom had been on and off of Weight Watchers for years. But she had been sticking with it for three or so years at this point and had great success. I knew the concept of WW was not rocket science. Lean meats, veggies, whole grains and fruit..... cut back on sugar and high fatty foods and you'll lose weight. Duh. But what WW provided that I didn't have at the time: accountability. I needed someone to answer to every week. And after the first meeting, I got it. The community is key. Going into that room with all of those women of all different ages and sizes..... but all on the same journey was absolute encouragement. Every week I would hear keys and tips... what worked for this person or didn't work for that person. I began to learn why I was eating as I was. And I lost weight! From February - May 2007, I lost 25lbs! Then I got pregnant again!
The rest of the story goes like this: started WW again after the birth of my second child and lost 25lbs again, getting down to 185. Then I got pregnant again. The third time I started back to WW, I lost 35lbs and was at 175. Then I got pregnant again. hehe. My fourth child was born at the end of January of this year. I started WW again at the end of Feb, and I've lost 7lbs so far.
I will be with WW for the rest of my life. I plan to get to my goal weight of 170lbs, get my maintenance and lifetime membership (at which point attending meetings and using resources is free as long as I'm within 2lbs of my goal weight!) Then I hope to get down to 160 so I have a nice 10lb cushion. :) I am happy with who I am right now. Losing weight for me now is part of being a healthy, whole person. I want to feel good, be healthy and in shape, and be a good role model for my daughters. I don't need to look a certain way now. I'm finally past that motivation. Now I'm motivated by quality of life and by the desire to be a disciplined person.
So here's to losing weight. To feel better, and to prove that we have the power to change anything about ourselves that we feel needs change!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Abby's Birth Story
I figured that, since this is Abby's birthday, I would post her birth story. So here it is :)
Abby's due date was April 23rd, 2006. The sonogram had shown April 14th, and so, like most first-time moms, I fixated on the earlier one :). At 36 weeks I was dialated to a 2! I was soooo excited. Week 37.... week 38..... week 39.... all passed. Nothing. April 14th came and went. Nothing. That next week I went to the midwife, and I was dialated to almost 4 cm and was 90% effaced! That was a Tuesday. The week progressed on, and finally on Friday, April 21st, at 3pm my water broke. Of course, I didn't realize that's what had happened. I felt a little pop... but I was lying down resting and was so used to little aches and kicks that I didn't really notice it so much. At 3:15 I had a hard contraction and that got me thinking. I sat up and gush! So I waddled to the bathroom (not a far trek in our tiny apartment) and called Joseph and my midwife. The midwife told me to sit tight and wait until my contractions had been five minutes apart for one hour. Well, I didn't have another contraction for 45 minutes! But at 4pm, when the contractions did start, they started hot and heavy. From 4 to 5pm I had contractions 5 minutes apart. They weren't too painful but they were strong and getting stronger.
We arrived at the birth center at 5:30pm. The midwife checked me and I was already at a 6. So I parked it in a glider rocker and started rocking. The contractions were stronger and more painful. I focused on each one.... as one would start I would consciously relax every muscle in my body. It was like surrender. Every contraction I surrendered my body to the pain.... and I prayed. I know that sounds super-spiritual... but I didn't go into labor planning to pray during every contraction. It just sort of happened. I would pray softly "Your grace is sufficient for me. Your power is perfect in my weakness." I knew labor was a process that I could not control. So I gave control completely to Christ. I knew I was not capable of birthing a child in my own strength. So I embraced my weakness and leaned on Him. It was amazing.
So 8:15pm or so comes around and the midwife checks me again.... almost a 10! She asks if I feel like I need to push. I say that I don't think so. But this is my first time around, so I'm not sure I'd know what that feels like. She had me sit on the birthing ball.... then finally on the toilet. It was then that I felt it. For me, it was the same sensation as vomiting.... except no nausea and lower down. :) But it was that same involuntary spasm. And it felt good. I would have a contraction and that pushing urge.... as I pushed with it felt like a release. And the pain was gone as long as I was pushing. Now, I'm not gonna lie, pushing was hard work, but not painful. So I pushed for a while. The midwife was noticing that she could see the head, and I would make progress during a push. But when I stopped pushing, the head would retreat backward. So she had me squat. Yes, I was up on the bed squatting with my husband behind me holding me up and my mom and the midwife holding each arm. That's when the pushing got serious. As Abby came closer to crowning I could feel that ring of fire. And when she was finally born in one big push, it was intense, sharp pain for only a few seconds. Then she was here at 9:30pm.
No one really caught her. She pretty much landed on the bed. I layed back and they put her on my stomach. Her umbilical cord was kind of short, so I couldn't get her too close to my face. But, man, that was a crazy moment. You look down and there is this tiny, wet, wiggly creature laying on your stomach. And you absolutely adore it!
Once the placenta was born Joseph cut the cord. I nursed her a bit. They did all the measurements, etc. I had to have five stitches for a minor tear. Then Abby and I got to take an herb bath together. Joseph was in the bathroom with us. It was the sweetest moment.
Through this labor I learned a lot about trusting Jesus. I learned about letting go. I also learned about pain.... about what it means to suffer, to sacrifice and experience pain for the sake of someone else's life. I know now what the scripture means when it says that women will be saved through childbirth. It's not that our salvation comes through having children. But it's that He gives us a small glimpse of what He did for us in salvation. He suffered. He sacrificed his body to give us life. I feel like I have a small part of that in me now. And I praise Him for giving me a chance to be a part of the work He does.
Abby's due date was April 23rd, 2006. The sonogram had shown April 14th, and so, like most first-time moms, I fixated on the earlier one :). At 36 weeks I was dialated to a 2! I was soooo excited. Week 37.... week 38..... week 39.... all passed. Nothing. April 14th came and went. Nothing. That next week I went to the midwife, and I was dialated to almost 4 cm and was 90% effaced! That was a Tuesday. The week progressed on, and finally on Friday, April 21st, at 3pm my water broke. Of course, I didn't realize that's what had happened. I felt a little pop... but I was lying down resting and was so used to little aches and kicks that I didn't really notice it so much. At 3:15 I had a hard contraction and that got me thinking. I sat up and gush! So I waddled to the bathroom (not a far trek in our tiny apartment) and called Joseph and my midwife. The midwife told me to sit tight and wait until my contractions had been five minutes apart for one hour. Well, I didn't have another contraction for 45 minutes! But at 4pm, when the contractions did start, they started hot and heavy. From 4 to 5pm I had contractions 5 minutes apart. They weren't too painful but they were strong and getting stronger.
We arrived at the birth center at 5:30pm. The midwife checked me and I was already at a 6. So I parked it in a glider rocker and started rocking. The contractions were stronger and more painful. I focused on each one.... as one would start I would consciously relax every muscle in my body. It was like surrender. Every contraction I surrendered my body to the pain.... and I prayed. I know that sounds super-spiritual... but I didn't go into labor planning to pray during every contraction. It just sort of happened. I would pray softly "Your grace is sufficient for me. Your power is perfect in my weakness." I knew labor was a process that I could not control. So I gave control completely to Christ. I knew I was not capable of birthing a child in my own strength. So I embraced my weakness and leaned on Him. It was amazing.
So 8:15pm or so comes around and the midwife checks me again.... almost a 10! She asks if I feel like I need to push. I say that I don't think so. But this is my first time around, so I'm not sure I'd know what that feels like. She had me sit on the birthing ball.... then finally on the toilet. It was then that I felt it. For me, it was the same sensation as vomiting.... except no nausea and lower down. :) But it was that same involuntary spasm. And it felt good. I would have a contraction and that pushing urge.... as I pushed with it felt like a release. And the pain was gone as long as I was pushing. Now, I'm not gonna lie, pushing was hard work, but not painful. So I pushed for a while. The midwife was noticing that she could see the head, and I would make progress during a push. But when I stopped pushing, the head would retreat backward. So she had me squat. Yes, I was up on the bed squatting with my husband behind me holding me up and my mom and the midwife holding each arm. That's when the pushing got serious. As Abby came closer to crowning I could feel that ring of fire. And when she was finally born in one big push, it was intense, sharp pain for only a few seconds. Then she was here at 9:30pm.
No one really caught her. She pretty much landed on the bed. I layed back and they put her on my stomach. Her umbilical cord was kind of short, so I couldn't get her too close to my face. But, man, that was a crazy moment. You look down and there is this tiny, wet, wiggly creature laying on your stomach. And you absolutely adore it!
Once the placenta was born Joseph cut the cord. I nursed her a bit. They did all the measurements, etc. I had to have five stitches for a minor tear. Then Abby and I got to take an herb bath together. Joseph was in the bathroom with us. It was the sweetest moment.
Through this labor I learned a lot about trusting Jesus. I learned about letting go. I also learned about pain.... about what it means to suffer, to sacrifice and experience pain for the sake of someone else's life. I know now what the scripture means when it says that women will be saved through childbirth. It's not that our salvation comes through having children. But it's that He gives us a small glimpse of what He did for us in salvation. He suffered. He sacrificed his body to give us life. I feel like I have a small part of that in me now. And I praise Him for giving me a chance to be a part of the work He does.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Coughs, Colds, Sinus Infections, oh my!
Yeah. That title pretty much sums up the past two weeks. haha.
To say the past few weeks have been challenging would be an understatement. They've been next to impossible. But the Holy Spirit is faithful to give us power beyond our natural ability.... and that's the only reason I survived with any semblance of sanity. ha! Three weeks ago my husband had his second vasectomy. (I'll tell you that story later) In the middle of taking care of all four kids and one husband, we all start to cough. Cough turns to fever and congestion..... everyone else progressively gets better: I get a sinus infection. Boo. But, praise God, we're all finally healthy. Even little Mary had a cough and is now pretty much over it.
The past three weigh in's produced losses of 2.6 and 2.2.... then a gain of 1lb this last week. I wasn't surprised at the gain.... there was lots of access to delicious baked goods that week. mmmm.
So I have a new bread fact, thanks to my friend Brandy. Nature's Own makes a 40cal bread that is 2 points for 2 slices. All other breads I've seen are 3 points for 2 slices. Granted, this bread is pretty airy. But it works for sandwiches and makes decent toast. :)
So my victory over the past couple of weeks has come in eating out, of all the unlikely places. I have successfully gone to restaurants and been able to prepare ahead of time. I went to the websites, checked the nutrition of the food and made a plan for exactly what I would eat and how many points it would be. And, wonder of wonders, I've stuck to the plan I made! It was great. My failures... or "feedback" opportunities (our meeting this week was about how we don't have failures... we have feedback :) ) this week were definitely controlling those urges when something unexpected ended up in my kitchen..... like brownies my husband brought home from work. I tried to stay out of them. Brownies are the one dessert I can't stop myself with just a little. mmm.
Anyway. The lesson from this week: prepare for the unexpected. I have to be resolved and ready for something unexpected to come into my sight. For example, I could have had some Weight Watcher cookies in the cabinet. Then when the brownies were here, I could have eaten a cookie. It would be less points, and it would satisfy that craving. Something to remember.
Tonight we're going to Chick-fil-a. It's kid's eat free night! I have already been to the website: The Chargrilled Southwest Chicken Salad is 6 points. I'm gonna eat it with their honey mustard dressing (1 pt) and some buffalo sauce (0pts). The challenge of the night: not eating the kids' leftovers. I might need to go back to the website and work out the points for chicken nuggets and waffle fries just so I know what I'm dealing with. :)
To say the past few weeks have been challenging would be an understatement. They've been next to impossible. But the Holy Spirit is faithful to give us power beyond our natural ability.... and that's the only reason I survived with any semblance of sanity. ha! Three weeks ago my husband had his second vasectomy. (I'll tell you that story later) In the middle of taking care of all four kids and one husband, we all start to cough. Cough turns to fever and congestion..... everyone else progressively gets better: I get a sinus infection. Boo. But, praise God, we're all finally healthy. Even little Mary had a cough and is now pretty much over it.
The past three weigh in's produced losses of 2.6 and 2.2.... then a gain of 1lb this last week. I wasn't surprised at the gain.... there was lots of access to delicious baked goods that week. mmmm.
So I have a new bread fact, thanks to my friend Brandy. Nature's Own makes a 40cal bread that is 2 points for 2 slices. All other breads I've seen are 3 points for 2 slices. Granted, this bread is pretty airy. But it works for sandwiches and makes decent toast. :)
So my victory over the past couple of weeks has come in eating out, of all the unlikely places. I have successfully gone to restaurants and been able to prepare ahead of time. I went to the websites, checked the nutrition of the food and made a plan for exactly what I would eat and how many points it would be. And, wonder of wonders, I've stuck to the plan I made! It was great. My failures... or "feedback" opportunities (our meeting this week was about how we don't have failures... we have feedback :) ) this week were definitely controlling those urges when something unexpected ended up in my kitchen..... like brownies my husband brought home from work. I tried to stay out of them. Brownies are the one dessert I can't stop myself with just a little. mmm.
Anyway. The lesson from this week: prepare for the unexpected. I have to be resolved and ready for something unexpected to come into my sight. For example, I could have had some Weight Watcher cookies in the cabinet. Then when the brownies were here, I could have eaten a cookie. It would be less points, and it would satisfy that craving. Something to remember.
Tonight we're going to Chick-fil-a. It's kid's eat free night! I have already been to the website: The Chargrilled Southwest Chicken Salad is 6 points. I'm gonna eat it with their honey mustard dressing (1 pt) and some buffalo sauce (0pts). The challenge of the night: not eating the kids' leftovers. I might need to go back to the website and work out the points for chicken nuggets and waffle fries just so I know what I'm dealing with. :)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Week One!
Well, week one wasn't as amazing as I'd hoped. I'm doing the Weight Watchers for nursing moms and they suggest I eat 48 points a day. HOLY COW! That's a lot of points. So, in an effort to not end up gaining 10lbs my first week... I started at 40 points instead of 48. The results: I gained 0.6lbs. ugh. So I've bumped it down to 38 points. We'll see how that goes.
Struggles for the week: Girl Scout cookes! Can I hear an "Amen?" Those things nearly killed me this weekend. And staying at my parents' for the weekend got me, too. Why is it always harder to eat healthy when you're at your parents'? My mom is even on Weight Watchers, too. But we had a birthday party for my brother. Spaghetti, garlic bread (that's the problem right there) and a yummy pumpkin cake. Whew. So I ate too much. But I've been doing ok since then. Every day is a new day, right?
Fun Points Plus fact for today: There is some bread that's still 1 point per slice. Nature's Own 100% Whole Wheat bread is one point per slice. But all bread (that I've found so far) is 3 points for two slices. So there you go. Also, check those sandwich rounds that are so popular right now.... many of them are still 3 points for the two pieces.
Here's what I've found out about bread (and really, anything else): if you want to figure the points really quickly without getting out the calculator, there are a few quick tricks. 1) 11 Carbohydrates is the 1 point cut off. The only way for something with more than 11 Carbs to be less than 2 points is for it to have 3 or more grams of Fiber. 2)Fat doesn't make as big a difference in points as Protein does. The more protein... the more points. BUT remember that protein is good! It's better to use points on protein than anything else. The big place protein gets you is in some of the breads. They may be good on carbs and fiber.... but the protein may take it up to more points that you'd like to use on bread.
Ok. So the goal for this week: lose 2 lbs. I figure this is a good goal because my weight loss timeline is 1 pound per week. So losing 2 lbs this week will put me at 2 lbs in 2 weeks :).
Also, drink more water!
Week two.... here we go!
Struggles for the week: Girl Scout cookes! Can I hear an "Amen?" Those things nearly killed me this weekend. And staying at my parents' for the weekend got me, too. Why is it always harder to eat healthy when you're at your parents'? My mom is even on Weight Watchers, too. But we had a birthday party for my brother. Spaghetti, garlic bread (that's the problem right there) and a yummy pumpkin cake. Whew. So I ate too much. But I've been doing ok since then. Every day is a new day, right?
Fun Points Plus fact for today: There is some bread that's still 1 point per slice. Nature's Own 100% Whole Wheat bread is one point per slice. But all bread (that I've found so far) is 3 points for two slices. So there you go. Also, check those sandwich rounds that are so popular right now.... many of them are still 3 points for the two pieces.
Here's what I've found out about bread (and really, anything else): if you want to figure the points really quickly without getting out the calculator, there are a few quick tricks. 1) 11 Carbohydrates is the 1 point cut off. The only way for something with more than 11 Carbs to be less than 2 points is for it to have 3 or more grams of Fiber. 2)Fat doesn't make as big a difference in points as Protein does. The more protein... the more points. BUT remember that protein is good! It's better to use points on protein than anything else. The big place protein gets you is in some of the breads. They may be good on carbs and fiber.... but the protein may take it up to more points that you'd like to use on bread.
Ok. So the goal for this week: lose 2 lbs. I figure this is a good goal because my weight loss timeline is 1 pound per week. So losing 2 lbs this week will put me at 2 lbs in 2 weeks :).
Also, drink more water!
Week two.... here we go!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
"The kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking..."
"For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.." Romans 14:17
This verse is on my fridge. :) I first found it and really loved the reminder of seeking the "righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit," but I thought it was funny considering the life changes we've made over these past years..... eating healthy, exercise, etc.
The truth is, I need this reminder. Because weight loss/maintenance and getting in shape is kind of a selfish process and, for me, can become a very self-focused process. I could say that I'm getting in shape so I can play better with my kids or be more alluring to my husband. But, honestly, there's a bigger part of me (one that I have to continually deprive of attention) that checks out other women at the grocery store and compares myself. I'm thinking that I want my butt to look like that or I want my waist that small... things like that. And I seek the world's approval of my appearance. And so it's a balance for me to be disciplined in my exercise and diligent in my diet (when I use the word "diet" I mean eating habits.... not a diet you go on for a time) and for me to be focused on the kingdom of God... to be seeing beyond the physical to the eternal. How would my view of the women at the store be different if I were to be acting and thinking beyond what I see in front of me.... and thinking instead about what Christ might be doing in their lives.
Vanity is a big struggle of mine and I know from past experience that when I start getting thin and looking good, I have a tendency to become pretty pleased with myself.... a little too pleased. It was really evident when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with my fourth child. I thought we were done having kids. I was feeling really, really good about my body. Then to find out that I would do pregnancy all over again. I was the thinnest I had been since my senior year of high school..... and I was looking at another 30+ lb weight gain of pregnancy. And I would have to lose it all over again. Jesus begin to teach me about Who my body really belonged to. I clearly remember feeling Him say "Did you think that even your body was yours? That you have the absolute say on what happens to it?" And I began to submit. I'm afraid now that, through this process of becoming healthier, I will revert back to treating this body Christ gave me as my own instead of His. I don't want to become proud of my body in a way that will cause my vain heart to stumble. So....... "The kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." I want to be healthy. I want to eat things and do activities that benefit the health of my body.... but I want to place my focus on righteousness, on peace and on joy. Having peace and joy no matter what I ate that day or whether I got to workout; peace and joy no matter which jeans I fit in that day or what I saw in the mirror or on the scale.
This verse is on my fridge. :) I first found it and really loved the reminder of seeking the "righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit," but I thought it was funny considering the life changes we've made over these past years..... eating healthy, exercise, etc.
The truth is, I need this reminder. Because weight loss/maintenance and getting in shape is kind of a selfish process and, for me, can become a very self-focused process. I could say that I'm getting in shape so I can play better with my kids or be more alluring to my husband. But, honestly, there's a bigger part of me (one that I have to continually deprive of attention) that checks out other women at the grocery store and compares myself. I'm thinking that I want my butt to look like that or I want my waist that small... things like that. And I seek the world's approval of my appearance. And so it's a balance for me to be disciplined in my exercise and diligent in my diet (when I use the word "diet" I mean eating habits.... not a diet you go on for a time) and for me to be focused on the kingdom of God... to be seeing beyond the physical to the eternal. How would my view of the women at the store be different if I were to be acting and thinking beyond what I see in front of me.... and thinking instead about what Christ might be doing in their lives.
Vanity is a big struggle of mine and I know from past experience that when I start getting thin and looking good, I have a tendency to become pretty pleased with myself.... a little too pleased. It was really evident when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with my fourth child. I thought we were done having kids. I was feeling really, really good about my body. Then to find out that I would do pregnancy all over again. I was the thinnest I had been since my senior year of high school..... and I was looking at another 30+ lb weight gain of pregnancy. And I would have to lose it all over again. Jesus begin to teach me about Who my body really belonged to. I clearly remember feeling Him say "Did you think that even your body was yours? That you have the absolute say on what happens to it?" And I began to submit. I'm afraid now that, through this process of becoming healthier, I will revert back to treating this body Christ gave me as my own instead of His. I don't want to become proud of my body in a way that will cause my vain heart to stumble. So....... "The kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." I want to be healthy. I want to eat things and do activities that benefit the health of my body.... but I want to place my focus on righteousness, on peace and on joy. Having peace and joy no matter what I ate that day or whether I got to workout; peace and joy no matter which jeans I fit in that day or what I saw in the mirror or on the scale.
Why Fruity???
I've been wanting to start up another blog for a while. I don't really know why. Maybe it's my uncontrollable need to constantly express myself. haha. At any rate, here I am.... blogging again. I have recently birthed my fourth child (I know) and have started Weight Watchers for the fourth time. I have quit and restarted these past three times because I seem to keep getting pregnant. I even used to joke that Weight Watchers causes pregnancy. (Don't worry, I am pretty sure there's no scientific proof of that..... yet. haha.) Anyway, Weight Watchers has recently started a new program called Points Plus. With several friends either starting Weight Watchers for the first time or just learning the new system, I thought it might be fun to blog about Weight Watchers!
That's only half the reason I chose the name "fruity" for my blog. I'm also a mom who's desperately seeking Christ. I want the Holy Spirit taking over every single part of my life, and the Bible is pretty clear that there is certain fruit of a life lived in the Spirit. Those are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control. This is the journey I'm on.... I want to be full of supernatural love and patience and self control. I want my husband, children, friends and anyone I come in contact with to see an attitude that doesn't make any earthly sense. And I want Christ to be seen in my life and actions.... and I want my life to point directly to Him and only Him. So anyway. I'm not sure who'll read this. But I hope that it's encouraging. :)
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